I know, I know, I’ve been terribly quiet and you’ve all missed my absolutely hilarious outlook on life! But don’t worry, this post is sure to make up for it. I promise to make you laugh! Probably cringe, maybe even cry...
I used to be an incredibly private person - no way in hell would I post the intimate details of my life online... but now, what have I got to lose?! I’m not gonna give you ALL the juicy details... but I’m sure there’ll be things some people would rather not know (sorry mum)
So a couple of months ago I thought I’d give the online dating thing a bit of a crack! I always thought it was a bit tacky - like seriously, go out and socialise and meet real people!! But, when you have my life, there’s very little time to go out looking for eligible men. So I signed up to Bumble (this post is in no way affiliated with bumble). The thing about this site is that you can only message someone if you have a match - you both have to select yes to liking each other. AND girls have to make the first move! That was a bit weird cos I’m a bit awkward hahah... You get to look through pictures and read profiles then swipe yes or no before you can see the next person. I hate the whole look at a picture thing, so I mostly checked the profiles before deciding (some guys were just a bit too creepy looking to bother 🙊😂 I’m sure they have some amazing qualities...) and even if I thought a guy was really cute, if he only had one photo and zero info, I passed.
I started quite a lot of conversations, yay me! Some never replied. Some didn’t have much to say. But there were a few that seemed to actually know how to have a conversation! So I had a few coffee dates, and a few movie nights... and then they all turned out to be very good at saying what they think you want to hear then disappearing...
So after exhausting my options on bumble (I set ver specific requirements hahah) I decided I’d try POF... well! That has been an experience!! I honesty think I’ve read some of the funniest shit ever on there! The messages that some guys send are just ridiculous. I couldn’t even make this up!
I take the profile composition requirement quite seriously - I’m not here to play games! I’m writing honest info here in the hopes of hooking a keeper! But apparently that’s a big ol waste of time cos no one reads it?! Like really? If you don’t write anything on your profile? I won’t be sending you a message. If I wanted to start an awkward conversation with a random stranger I’d go to the pub! I’m doing hardcore research people! There’s a science to this apparently...
so it really annoys me when I get messages like “hey wanna have some fun?” Uh no, how bout you read my profile - the first line says no hook up or one offs...
Then there’s the guys who start a normal conversation... then say something like “you have a nice set of bolt ons” um, what?! (Ok I had to ask a male friend what that meant... it means fake boobs!) like dude, is that really how you think you’ll find a lady?
Or what about the profile that says he’s 40, but his message says “I’m 19 and looking for experience” oh mah gawd!!
I got told “sorry I’m looking for someone with a personality” when I replied to his “what are you looking for” with “it’s in my profile”. Sure mate, and I’m looking for someone with basic reading skills!
There’s been the “nice booty rackage package” approach (vomit)
The “I’ve got tickets to the gun show” (yeah ok I’ll pay that, my guns are sweet as!)
The “hey sexy Santa” (FYI- Xmas gym tights pic NOT half naked photo shoot photo) I didn’t respond to that but 4 days later he thought he’s try his luck with “do you like fun?” SMH!!
Oh and then there’s the profile info! Some people do fill it out, but far out!! They sure aren’t trying to find a self respecting woman! I mean sure be honest about what you’re into, but there’s less trashy ways to say it. This one guy who viewed my profile today said he likes dropping loads into hot black chicks.... WTF! Why even look at me? I’m very clearly not black!
This is the most amusing activity I’ve been involved in for quite some time!! Kinda sad really. But I guess at least I know what I don’t want! This might make me sound like a judgemental asshole... which I kinda am ok!!
I know there’s some people who will be thinking “well really, what did you expect?!” And to them I say, actually pretty much this! But I did also expect there’s some decent guys out there... and you know what? There are!! I’ve had some significant conversations with some very normal guys! I’m yet to find my perfect match, but I think there’s some contenders there 😉
So next time you’re bored or lonely, jump on a dating site! Guaranteed hilarity!
Peace out ✌🏻
