Heart attacked by fear and doubt, won't be long till the truth comes out

Sadly, this is not a post about wishing you well, despite taking the lyrics from that brilliant song. They just seem to really fit with what I'm about to say. Or try to say.

I think I've reached the time where I'm ready to let it all out. To let go of this horrible reality that I've been living. To share it out to everyone. It's scary. But it needs to be done. For my healing, my processing, my moving on. I've been putting it off for some time for a few reasons. I mean, it's my life and my story so it's not even really anyone else's business unless I choose to make it so. And it's so personal. And confronting! And traumatic. And painful! Shocking, insane, unbelievable, and a whole host of other big words. And worst of all, it's true.

So maybe grab yourself a box of tissues and pillow (to punch or hold onto or cry into) and set yourself up somewhere private, cos you're not gonna take this well.
Some people know all of this already because they are my people! My rocks. My amazing cheer squad that keep me going. Some people know bits of it because they've joined dots as I've become less cautious of what I say and where I am. And some people are completely oblivious to how epically my life fell apart. 

So, here we go....

Three years ago, my husband was arrested and sent to prison for 15 months.
Because my then 4 year old told me that "daddy lets me touch his penis"

My sweet baby girl had been a victim of his behaviour since she was only 6 months old!!
The person who was supposed to keep her safe, was abusing her. Using her for his own sick gain. Not just her, but her baby brother too! And he was much younger when it started.

And of course, I had no fucking clue! I thought I had this amazing husband who would stay home with the kids so I could go out for a night with the girls, or get groceries on my own, or go to work so we didn't have to pay as much day care. But no, his reasons were purely selfish and in appropriate.

The days and weeks after that truth bomb exploded my whole life are big giant blurry mess. I had to be interviewed by police and child safety. My baby girl had to be interviewed by police. Alone! They wouldn't let me be with her while they questioned her. I had child safety telling me they were concerned about my involvement because my response of "how do I just give up on my husband" was apparently not the right one.... Well sorry my whole life just got fucked up, I'm a little shocked over here! Trying to take in the fact that you'd been lied to for pretty much your whole relationship, by the person you were meant to trust the most, for the rest of your life, oh and he's also going to jail, NOW, is just a bit much for one afternoon!!

I know I had the crazy thought of just packing us all up (him included) and running! I didn't want this to be true. I didn't want my life to be this mess. I wanted my family together.
Obviously that would have been a pretty dumb idea, given what he'd done. And running from the cops isn't really advisable in any situation. But I was just so incredibly dumbfounded by this whole thing that all logic went out the window.

I am truly grateful for the friends who were there for me on that night and the days that followed. I didn't even ring my mum to tell her, I couldn't. I didn't know how. And I was secretly hoping it was all just a big misunderstanding or some horrific nightmare that I could just forget about. But it wasn't.

Then on top of trying to deal with all that truth for me, I was also dealing with two small humans who had no idea WTF was going on. All they wanted to know was when daddy was coming home. And I had no answer. How do you tell them that he did something so wrong and they'll likely never see him again.... There were many nights where the three of us would just sit on the couch crying. My heart was so broken for my beautiful babies. Everything felt pointless. I was floating in space, with no life line.

There were weeks of no idea what was going on. The police wouldn't tell me anything because it was an open investigation. Child safety had pretty much the same line. I had very little information on the details of what he had actually done, it took me a long time to get to finding that out. I was left cleaning up after a party that I didn't attend. And it was a fucking nightmare.

But somehow, I managed to keep getting up each day and doing "normal" things. I went to work, I did laundry, I bought groceries, I made my kids eat vegetables.... But I knew nothing about my life was normal anymore. I had to make a new normal. I had to keep fighting for those precious little babies (who do have a habit of driving me bat fucking shit crazy) because I love them more than anything on this earth. Giving up just wasn't an option. Believe me it was pretty bloody tempting quite often, but mumma didn't raise no quitter!

Like I've said before, I do believe things happen for a reason, and life never gives you anything you can't handle... but come on? I've done my share! I know that I am such a different person now. I'm so much stronger inside and out. I'm less likely to let things slide - I call shit out when it's wrong, I stand up for myself and my babies. So there has been good to come from this. There's been a lot of bad, but there's been a lot of good things. And I won't let it stop me caring about people and being kind. I'll always find a reason to smile. And I get to make the terrible "dad jokes"

If you've made it to this point, thanks for sticking it out.
This is my story, it's not a hate post. It's just my reality.

Love is thicker than blood

I've been a little quiet again lately. You may think that's because I've got my shit together and life is going great.... Sorry, WRONG! In fact, it means the complete opposite. My life is still a one million piece jigsaw puzzle, without a box for reference. And I'm pretty sure there's pieces missing.... There's been so much going on yet nothing has really changed. I'm not sure how that's possible, but here we are.

So let's start with the drama. Always drama. Everyone loves a good drama! Especially when it's not happening to them...And as usual, this drama involves money. I know it doesn't buy happiness, but it sure does alleviate an awful lot of stress!! The bank got back to me with a maximum amount i could borrow, and it was much less than what was still owing on the current loan... cue panic! I knew there were a few options, but none of them were overly appealing. I could sell the house (pack and move, no thanks!), I could take the money from the kids savings and my last little bit of emergency money (would rather not clean them out and start again), or ring Bank of Mum and ask for help... It's not that I thought she'd say no, or not be able to help, but it was that self loathing "I've failed and I need her to bail me out" So I'm crying like an idiot cos she said she'd transfer money, and she's like why are  you crying? Well duh mum, it's not your problem to fix!! And of course, my ever sensible mum says well if it keeps the roof over your head... and you can pay it back at some point (I'm pretty sure "some point" actually means I just won't inherit anything when she leaves this life in 30 odd years... but I'm cool with that)

So thanks to mum and her very frugal ways, I have a new loan signed and waiting!! About bloody time you say? Well, don't get too excited just yet! Those good old property transfer documents still haven't been finalised.... They've been signed and posted (yes, the actual original documents this time, so posted) 2 weeks ago, I'm just waiting for my lawyer to get them so I can sign, then they organise settlement with the bank, and hey presto we're done!! Well at least that side of things will be done. There's still parenting orders that need to be stamped, and I'm sure that will be another shit storm... but one drama at a time huh...

On the flip side of all this, we are very lucky to have the rest of his family still including us in their lives. Last weekend we got to celebrate our baby cousin's 1st birthday! The kids are absolutely in love with her and could not stop talking about how adorable she is. I even took a huge step and asked if we could stay with grandma & grandad! Which wasn't as weird as it could have been. We were only there for 2 nights, and not a whole lot of time during the day, but the kids loved it and I'm pretty sure the grandparents did too. At the end of the day, I have to suck it up and do what's right for my kids, and keeping them connected with all their family is really important to me. I'm not cutting anyone out of their lives unnecessarily. I'm sure it would have been much easier for me, and his family, to just cut ties, but we aren't the ones who did the wrong thing. It's a very strange reality to accept, but we're pushing through each day and finding our way. To quote my very wise baby girl "I wish daddy had thought about what his choices would mean for our future"

Other good news, I got the kids' report cards and neither of them is dumb, so that's a win! Mr 5 is a little punk who doesn't cooperate, but he's demonstrated satisfactory knowledge so far. He's actually started in a new class last week too, so hopefully that makes a positive change for him. He likes this teacher, "she's not boring!!" I'll have a parent interview with his old teacher during the week, but I'm not sure it will have much impact on how to deal with him this term. She could even surprise me with some good news about him!
Miss 7 I know is smashing it at school. She loves learning and sharing her knowledge and her teacher absolutely adores her :) I'm rather excited to see her work, especially the stories she's been writing which her teacher describes as "interesting and entertaining" I love that she is such a good kid at school. Pretty sure they send me home someone else's child though...

Also took the kiddies to their first ever football game (quite probably their only one) thanks to a very good friend who had a family pass and needed to adopt an adult and 2 kids. Football just doesn't interest me and my kids honestly don't even know the difference between sports haha! But for the sake of the experience and taking the kids somewhere new I decided we'd accept the offer. Luckily "their" favourite team was playing (read Aunty's team so she buys them merch) so they had the appropriate attire for the occasion. Mr 5 loved cheering! He didn't care which team scored, he just loved shouting!! We left part way into the second half cos the excitement level was off the charts and the kids just couldn't behave, but they were very happy to hear "our team" won. When I asked Miss 7 if she enjoyed it and would like to go again she said "it was great! But I'll only go if the Rabbitohs are playing again" At least that gives me a whole year to prepare!

This has taken far longer to write than I'd planned, and it's probably a big old jumble mess.... but that's pretty standard for me! Just a textual representation of my mind.