Well well well, if it isn’t the end of semester again! And here’s me, procrastinating, as per usual. Almost exactly a year since I last wrote anything.... anything on here that is. I’ve written several assignments and smashed them 💪🏻 But I’m currently in a sever state of mental block and can’t focus on what I need to do! I know I’ll get it done in the end, I always do. Just gotta put it off and freak out and feel doomed for a while first. There’s just so much “stuff” in my head right now and it’s like trying to get a good signal on a radio station... trying to tune out the static, but as soon as you move the signal gets interrupted again. So maybe a good old brain dump of all the random crap in my head might get me back on track 🤞🏻
The major trouble I’m having right now is with Mr 7 (yes he is that old now!). He just can’t cope with school. And life and feelings and well, being told what to do! Which I totally understand, cos I hate having someone saying what I can and can’t do and when I can do it... but I can also understand the reasoning behind it and why sometimes you just gotta suck it up and do things you don’t wanna. Whereas he just can’t. And it’s exhausting. Being called to school cos he isn’t behaving and needs to go home. Being screamed at and kicked and punched at home cos he’s not allowed to watch YouTube. Peeling the pair of them off each other cos they both think they should have that particular piece of lego, even though there’s 10 more of the exact same piece RIGHT FUCKING THERE! And I know I don’t exactly help myself... I suck at being strict and giving consequences...it’s soooo tiring. And I’m it. All the time. I don’t get to tap out. I’m good cop and bad cop, but the worst bad cop ever. I hate having to be “mean mum” and give punishment and consequences... haven’t they suffered enough?!
And that’s the thing, I can’t let them get away with being jerks cos someone else fucked us over. They still need to learn to be respectful, decent, contributing members of society. I know that they are amazing kids - they’re smart, funny, caring, socially aware.... I just need to get my shit together. I’m the problem. I know it. I just can’t deal so I just say “whatever” and ignore it. I need super nanny! Is she even still a thing? I want to be able to enjoy spending time with my kids, not avoid it. I want to know I can take them out in public and not lose my shit 5 times in 10mins. I need to stop making excuses. For everything. It feels like I’m so far behind on life that there’s no hope... but I still want the end goal. But I don’t wanna do the work. Even though I will. Cos I’m not a quitter. But I am a whinger. And I’m a joker. Not a smoker or a midnight toker....
Anyway, if you’ve made it this far, well done. Now imagine that’s what runs through your head constantly. On top of every day life chores. And song lyrics, and Simpson’s quotes... and that’s what it’s like in my mind, on repeat. Throw in a few “did I lock the front door” and “I need to buy milk” for good measure. It’s like a big ole bowl of porridge in there. Thick, grey and sticky. I don’t tell people a lot of the time when I feel like this now. I get sick of feeling like this. Like “oh ffs again?!” And I feel like everyone must be sick of hearing the same shit over and over... even though they say they aren’t.... maybe it’s true. Maybe they can see I’m actually really trying. I’m moving slower than a turtle through peanut butter, but I’m trying.
