As another night surrounds me, And it pounds me like a wave

 Well well well, if it isn’t the end of semester again! And here’s me, procrastinating, as per usual. Almost exactly a year since I last wrote anything.... anything on here that is. I’ve written several assignments and smashed them 💪🏻 But I’m currently in a sever state of mental block and can’t focus on what I need to do! I know I’ll get it done in the end, I always do. Just gotta put it off and freak out and feel doomed for a while first. There’s just so much “stuff” in my head right now and it’s like trying to get a good signal on a radio station... trying to tune out the static, but as soon as you move the signal gets interrupted again. So maybe a good old brain dump of all the random crap in my head might get me back on track 🤞🏻 

The major trouble I’m having right now is with Mr 7 (yes he is that old now!). He just can’t cope with school. And life and feelings and well, being told what to do! Which I totally understand, cos I hate having someone saying what I can and can’t do and when I can do it... but I can also understand the reasoning behind it and why sometimes you just gotta suck it up and do things you don’t wanna. Whereas he just can’t. And it’s exhausting. Being called to school cos he isn’t behaving and needs to go home. Being screamed at and kicked and punched at home cos he’s not allowed to watch YouTube. Peeling the pair of them off each other cos they both think they should have that particular piece of lego, even though there’s 10 more of the exact same piece RIGHT FUCKING THERE! And I know I don’t exactly help myself... I suck at being strict and giving consequences...it’s soooo tiring. And I’m it. All the time. I don’t get to tap out. I’m good cop and bad cop, but the worst bad cop ever. I hate having to be “mean mum” and give punishment and consequences... haven’t they suffered enough?! 

And that’s the thing, I can’t let them get away with being jerks cos someone else fucked us over. They still need to learn to be respectful, decent, contributing members of society. I know that they are amazing kids - they’re smart, funny, caring, socially aware.... I just need to get my shit together. I’m the problem. I know it. I just can’t deal so I just say “whatever” and ignore it. I need super nanny! Is she even still a thing? I want to be able to enjoy spending time with my kids, not avoid it. I want to know I can take them out in public and not lose my shit 5 times in 10mins. I need to stop making excuses. For everything. It feels like I’m so far behind on life that there’s no hope... but I still want the end goal. But I don’t wanna do the work. Even though I will. Cos I’m not a quitter. But I am a whinger. And I’m a joker. Not a smoker or a midnight toker.... 

Anyway, if you’ve made it this far, well done. Now imagine that’s what runs through your head constantly. On top of every day life chores. And song lyrics, and Simpson’s quotes... and that’s what it’s like in my mind, on repeat. Throw in a few “did I lock the front door” and “I need to buy milk” for good measure. It’s like a big ole bowl of porridge in there. Thick, grey and sticky. I don’t tell people a lot of the time when I feel like this now. I get sick of feeling like this. Like “oh ffs again?!” And I feel like everyone must be sick of hearing the same shit over and over... even though they say they aren’t.... maybe it’s true. Maybe they can see I’m actually really trying. I’m moving slower than a turtle through peanut butter, but I’m trying. 

Hey, does it ever make you wonder what’s on my mind?

I’m totally not procrastinating! This is definitely what I had planned for tonight! I haven’t written anything in ages, and there’s things to say...

oh alright, and an assignment I need to write... but it’s not due till 11:59pm Monday, so it’ll get done. Maybe. Hopefully. No, it will! I promise!! I’m just in that brain block mode of I know what I need to do but I just can’t make myself do it. The task should be easy - critically reflective essay! Like that’s basically an intelligent sounding blog post 😂 It’s my last assessment for the subject, my final 30%. I’ve passed everything else so I don’t need to panic, I only have to pass. Not like I need 90/30... But here I am, putting it off.

You know, 4 years ago if you had told me I’d be back at uni I would have laughed in your face! As if I’d have time for that!! I had a house and a job and kids and a husband... I was waaaaay too busy! And I really didn’t need to strive for anything more. But the funny thing about life is, it has its own plans. It makes you walk down paths you never knew existed. It gives you all these obstacles and somehow you find the ability to overcome them. I guess being stubborn has its perks!!

If Kenny Rogers taught us anything, it’s “you gotta know when to hold ‘em and know when to fold ‘em” There’s plenty of times I could have folded! I could have given up, thrown it all in, admitted defeat... it sure would have been easier! But I didn’t have kids to give up on them. I wanted to contribute decent humans to society. So those crazy little punks are what made me keep going and want more from life. They need to know the value of hard work. They need to see that struggles make you stronger, that not everything in life is easy. Sometimes you don’t get what you want! And sometimes, not having things go your way is actually the best thing that can happen to you...

Did any of us want this shitty coronavirus to derail our lives?? I think not! Have we suffered from it? Sure we have, some more than others. But have we learned from it?? You betcha!! We’ve learned to take care of each other, even doing things for strangers. We’ve learned to live without luxuries of eating out, having our nails done, going to the movies... (ok I’m only assuming that one cos I rarely did those things anyway 😂) We’ve learned that some people are just outright selfish twats (think most of us knew that already) But most importantly, we’ve learned that life does indeed go on.

Anyway as usual, I’m kinda just waffling in no obvious direction. That’s really just my brain on a regular basis... Too many tabs open, not enough bandwidth. Honestly I don’t even remember the last thing I posted about... maybe should have checked that before I started huh... one thing I definitely haven’t written about, is that I’ve finally officially submitted my application for divorce! It’s kinda weird being happy about that, but I think it’s the final piece of the puzzle. Once it’s done this part of my life can end. Metaphorically of course. And obviously there will be a big ass celebration! Mostly cos restrictions should be (hopefully) lifted by then so we can actually go out, and cos I spent my birthday drinking alone 🤷🏼‍♀️ It’s more of a celebration of ME! All that I am. On my own. I am a whole different person and I’m more “me” than I’ve ever been.

I’m currently listening to Essential Wendy Matthews so I’ll leave you with a line that just struck me “if only I could, I’d make this world a better place”
well you know what? That is exactly my intention. And I think it’s a sign that I need to write an amazing essay and get on that career path.

This could be the love of a lifetime, even if it lasts a week

I know, I know, I’ve been terribly quiet and you’ve all missed my absolutely hilarious outlook on life!   But don’t worry, this post is sure to make up for it. I promise to make you laugh! Probably cringe, maybe even cry...

I used to be an incredibly private person - no way in hell would I post the intimate details of my life online... but now, what have I got to lose?! I’m not gonna give you ALL the juicy details... but I’m sure there’ll be things some people would rather not know (sorry mum)

So a couple of months ago I thought I’d give the online dating thing a bit of a crack! I always thought it was a bit tacky - like seriously, go out and socialise and meet real people!! But, when you have my life, there’s very little time to go out looking for eligible men. So I signed up to Bumble (this post is in no way affiliated with bumble). The thing about this site is that you can only message someone if you have a match - you both have to select yes to liking each other. AND girls have to make the first move! That was a bit weird cos I’m a bit awkward hahah...  You get to look through pictures and read profiles then swipe yes or no before you can see the next person. I hate the whole look at a picture thing, so I mostly checked the profiles before deciding (some guys were just a bit too creepy looking to bother 🙊😂 I’m sure they have some amazing qualities...) and even if I thought a guy was really cute, if he only had one photo and zero info, I passed.

I started quite a lot of conversations, yay me! Some never replied. Some didn’t have much to say. But there were a few that seemed to actually know how to have a conversation! So I had a few coffee dates, and a few movie nights... and then they all turned out to be very good at saying what they think you want to hear then disappearing...

So after exhausting my options on bumble (I set ver specific requirements hahah) I decided I’d try POF... well! That has been an experience!! I honesty think I’ve read some of the funniest shit ever on there! The messages that some guys send are just ridiculous. I couldn’t even make this up!

I take the profile composition requirement quite seriously - I’m not here to play games! I’m writing honest info here in the hopes of hooking a keeper! But apparently that’s a big ol waste of time cos no one reads it?! Like really? If you don’t write anything on your profile? I won’t be sending you a message. If I wanted to start an awkward conversation with a random stranger I’d go to the pub! I’m doing hardcore research people! There’s a science to this apparently...
so it really annoys me when I get messages like “hey wanna have some fun?” Uh no, how bout you read my profile - the first line says no hook up or one offs...
Then there’s the guys who start a normal conversation... then say something like “you have a nice set of bolt ons” um, what?! (Ok I had to ask a male friend what that meant... it means fake boobs!) like dude, is that really how you think you’ll find a lady?
Or what about the profile that says he’s 40, but his message says “I’m 19 and looking for experience” oh mah gawd!!
I got told “sorry I’m looking for someone with a personality” when I replied to his “what are you looking for” with “it’s in my profile”. Sure mate, and I’m looking for someone with basic reading skills!
There’s been the “nice booty rackage package” approach (vomit)
The “I’ve got tickets to the gun show” (yeah ok I’ll pay that, my guns are sweet as!)
The “hey sexy Santa” (FYI- Xmas gym tights pic NOT half naked photo shoot photo) I didn’t respond to that but 4 days later he thought he’s try his luck with “do you like fun?” SMH!!

Oh and then there’s the profile info! Some people do fill it out, but far out!! They sure aren’t trying to find a self respecting woman! I mean sure be honest about what you’re into, but there’s less trashy ways to say it. This one guy who viewed my profile today said he likes dropping loads into hot black chicks.... WTF! Why even look at me? I’m very clearly not black!

This is the most amusing activity I’ve been involved in for quite some time!! Kinda sad really. But I guess at least I know what I don’t want! This might make me sound like a judgemental asshole... which I kinda am ok!!

I know there’s some people who will be thinking “well really, what did you expect?!” And to them I say, actually pretty much this! But I did also expect there’s some decent guys out there... and you know what? There are!! I’ve had some significant conversations with some very normal guys! I’m yet to find my perfect match, but I think there’s some contenders there 😉

So next time you’re bored or lonely, jump on a dating site! Guaranteed hilarity!

Peace out ✌🏻

Cause nothing's going right, And everything's a mess, And no one likes to be alone

I’ve been kinda preoccupied recently. Being miserable and feeling sorry for myself. Moving around wondering “why me?!” I don’t know who I’ve pissed off or what they’re trying to teach me, but I’m done!! Surely if there was a God he (or she) wouldn’t be this cruel... I know I’m not a saint by any means, but I think I’m a pretty good person... I work hard, I love my family and my friends, I follow the law, I pay my taxes... and I have a fucking big heart!! It even comes with a pretty decent set of boobs on top! I’m a catch! Yet here I am, alone and sulking on the couch, eating my feelings for the 675th night in a row....

I know I’ve done a lot of amazing things on my own. I’ve had no choice. And I like things done a certain way (my way!) so I should be happy I don’t have someone folding the towels wrong and putting the toilet roll on upside down... but truth is, I need someone to love!! I’m a giver. I need someone to hold me and stroke my hair when I’m hangry. I need someone to cook for. Someone who appreciates actual food, not my ungrateful children who scream at me cos I cut the sandwich into triangles instead of fucking squares!! I need someone to share stupid jokes with that only we get...

Don’t get me wrong, I love those ungrateful, uncultured, screeching kids of mine more than anything on this earth!! But it’s not the same. I know they’ll love me no matter what. They tell me I’m the best mummy in the whole wide world and they never want to live with anyone else... and they do have some pretty interesting views on the world and solutions for problems... but it’s not the same!!

I’m not looking for someone to make me happy, or complete me, or solve my problems or anything like that. I just hate the loneliness! So much. And it’s so much worse now I know that he has someone else in his life. He has a fucking boyfriend and I don’t!!! What the hell kinda cruel world is this?? Sure I get the kids and the house, but I’m funding that all on my own.

As much as I like to believe that everything happens for a reason, and we only get what we can handle and everything will be ok in the end... shit like this makes it hard to keep believing that. This is not something that happens to me!! This is the kinda shit you see in movies. It doesn’t happen to people you know!! So please would someone tell me what’s the point of it all?? What am I being prepared for?! What am I meant to do with all this experience I’m racking up??

There's no load I can't hold, Road so rough this I know

Talk about 4 seasons in 1 day! I’m not sure what the emotional equivalent to that is, but I’ve had it today... my day started at 1:30am with Mr 5 vomiting in my bed 🤮 poor little dude had a buster yesterday arv and smacked his head so it was probably a delayed concussion... he was fine before and after the spew so I think he’s good. He was awake and coherent enough to ask for a bath so he could play with toys!! Cos that’s a priority at 1:30am... I’m actually glad it was in my bed instead of his though, because his bed and floor has that much stuff covering it I’d be washing things for a month! I’m sure this won’t be out last knock to the head... this kid should have come with a helmet!

When 7:30 rolls around I get up and make pancakes (yay Saturday!) kids are happy, I’m happy, everyone’s being nice and getting along! Then it’s time to get ready for my photo shoot I’ve been hanging out for for weeks!  I was super excited and organised. I’d made my own playlist, I had my props sorted and I had the absolute best time doing it!! So excited to see the end product! 

Left the kiddies at home with a friend while I went to do that and got home to find them all still alive and being nice to each other 😊 of course while we’re sitting there chatting the kids decide to get into paint downstairs... cue crazy, ranting mummy!! I did manage to control myself since we had company, but seriously, way to crash my high! 

Then I received some pretty sad news - my lovely babysitter had to cancel for this evening due to her grandma passing away. I feel so sad for her and her family and the fact that she was worried she’d let me down! Sure I’d been looking forward to going out, but I was also not feeling as excited as I had been... social gatherings still put me on edge. And even though it was with people I like (not something I HAD to do) I was still just feeling a bit anxious. But I had a friend organise a babysitter for both our kids, so I could have gone! Buuut I went for a nap and woke up feeling even less energetic and decided I’d just stay home and order pizza instead. 

Now the kids are in bed and I’m trying to decide what to do for the evening. I could continue playing Zelda - that’s what’s been keeping me up late all week! Or I could watch something... but I’ll probably spend 2 hrs searching then fall asleep anyway. Or I could wash the dishes... my whole house is a total disaster zone... it looks like there’s been an explosion then had a cyclone through it... and the thought of cleaning it up is so overwhelming that I just pretend I don’t care. Kids will only trash it again anyway 🤷🏼‍♀️ Or I could just go to bed and hope things will magically sort themselves out while I’m asleep. But I’ll lie there caught up in my own thoughts for hours. How do you stop your mind racing and wondering? There’s still so much up in the air for me....

My property settlement finally happened a few weeks ago so that’s one less worry! But now I’ve filed the court application for parenting orders... which means I will have to go to court at some point in the near future. All because someone believes that they can get supervised visits with the kids so won’t just agree to no contact. Like seriously dude?! Child safety and the police do not approve of contact and quite frankly nor do I! We’ve spent a long time getting used to life being just the 3 of us now. How much damage is going to be caused by suddenly getting to see someone for like an hour then they disappear again... and who’s gonna have to deal with that fallout? Me! It’s never him. All he has to think about is himself.... which is pretty evident from his behaviour anyway. 

And while I think it is HIGHLY unlikely any court would agree to any contact, it’s still a possibility. Albeit a very tiny one, but possible nonetheless. But before the court gets to make a decision there has to be a family report prepared by an independent psychologist. Which of course means more time, stress, and money. Thankfully I still have that loan from bank of Mum. 

So that’s just a little bit of what’s been on my mind lately... most days I seem to cycle through all the emotions. And sadly, the solution is not in the bottom of the Nutella jar! 

When you're ready to go, And your heart's left in doubt, Don't give up on your faith

I know, I know, Celine Dion for the title... whatever, I like that song! I like a lot of her songs actually. I like a lot of things that other people don’t. I don’t do “popular” or “bandwagons” I’m not into something cos it’s the cool new trend. I’m one of those people that would deliberately “hate” whatever was popular.... Back in high school - Hanson? Vomit! Harry Potter? What garbage. Leonardo Di Caprio? More like Leo Di CRAPrio! Yeah I was one of those people...

So what does that have to do with anything you may wonder? Well, being “different” in high school made you a target. Not being “cool” automatically made you a “loser” and when you hear things like that often enough you start to believe it. Well I did any way. I wasn’t like everyone else, I must be weird. I was always the “good kid” at school - always followed the rules, I did my homework, I let my friends copy my homework so they didn’t get in trouble! I was a bit of a suck up really.

But trying to be good at the same time as being hated for it, that was hard. That damn near broke me. By the time I decided I’d had enough of being who I thought everyone wanted me to be I flipped. I went full rebel! I was late to school every day (and I only lived across the street!) I didn’t do homework and assignments. I gave teachers attitude. I gave other kids my actual option of them... and well, it didn’t go down so well....

Ok Full rebel may have been an exaggeration, there’s worse things I could have done... but for me it was way out of character and something was wrong. So that’s when the good old school counsellor got involved. And honestly, that guy was a twat! Wasn’t very helpful. Did get me out of class though... and as a teenager who was depressed, I played that card! Obviously looking back now it’s not really something to be proud of. But people didn’t really know how to handle me.

Now here we are, 20 years later. Still an emotional time bomb. Still no idea what I’m doing half the time. Still having days where I’d rather not wake up. Ever. Still having days where everything is too hard and everything pisses me off. But thankfully those days have become less frequent and I know when I’m slipping. I’ve taken mental health days from work. I’m medicated. I have a psychologist. I have amazing family and friends. And I have this incredible fire inside me that refuses to go out!

The things I’ve been through in my life have been pretty crappy. Not only the last few years but several other events over time. And I have been ready to check out permanently on more than one occasion. But I can’t. No matter how hard it gets, I have so much to live for! I know when I’m feeling off and I know it’s ok. There’s nothing wrong with having hard days! Some people have more than others and that’s ok. Some people deal with them better than others and that’s ok too.

It is absolutely OK to be NOT OK!!

But you need to tell someone when you’re not ok. You have to find a way to be ok. Don’t keep a lid on it until it boils over!

You got this xx

Go to college or university, get a real job, that's what they said to me

Do you remember what you wanted to be when you grew up? When you were a little kid and you had a dream? I can't actually remember that far back... but I remember a few different careers I had planned out - architect, singer, stay at home "Brady Bunch" mum... It wasn't an amazing customer service assistant or a social worker... 

After much deliberation and several conversations with friends, I have finally taken the plunge and applied to go back to uni next year! Not only did I apply, but I was accepted!! So in February, I will be studying my Masters in Social Work part time. Yep, little old me who is constantly running late and rushing around like an idiot trying to get things done, is going to add an extra level of crazy to our lives! Why you ask??! Well, the first answer that springs to mind is “cos I’m an idiot” who even does that to them self? But the real reason is, I’m ready to do something more.

My current job was only meant to get me through uni. The first time. I finished that degree 11 years ago... I did actually make it to the end! I got my Bachelor of Education, but I only had temporary teaching jobs and well, there were some less than pleasant experiences in there. I think a lot of that can be attributed to my lack of confidence. I couldn't cope, and I couldn't get the support I needed. So I stayed working retail because I knew what I was doing and I was useful there. But I need more of a challenge in my life (ha! yeah good one, as if I haven't been challenged enough right?!) I need to make a difference to the world. I also need to improve my financial situation, because clearly my plan of winning $80M lottery is not working out.... of course studying means I'll be adding more debt to my life, but that's a future problem!

The scariest thing about doing this is the placement. I have to do two lots of 500 hours!! I don't think I've even committed that much time to playing Zelda games on Nintendo! I hate new and unfamiliar situations - probably why I've stayed working in the same place for so long. But I also know that I am waaay more willing to try new things now, and I will back myself in whatever I do. No one is making me do this. It wasn't like finishing school and everyone in my class HAD to apply to uni... this is me making an adult choice to do something for me and my babies. This is me saying 'why the heck not?!' The time is going to pass anyway, I might as well do something useful with myself.

I am also very aware of the fact that I am a skilled procrastinator!! I leave things to the last minute. Part of that is because I'm so afraid of failing, I convince myself that I'll fail whether I do it a week in advance or I do a half-ass job the night before. But, I'm hoping to change that. I've already applied and set up my student account!! Admittedly it is my old account so there wasn't much work involved... but it's done. I've looked up the subjects too, but it's too early to actually enroll in any. I just hope I stay this interested and motivated when the time to start rolls around.

I may be freaking out just a little about how I'll actually cope with everything, but I won't know until I try. And I've made it this far through all of this crap life has thrown at me, so what's the worst that can happen??

But if anyone wants to volunteer to be my housekeeper/nanny I wont say no!
Failing that, I'm taking donations for a dishwasher :p