Go to college or university, get a real job, that's what they said to me

Do you remember what you wanted to be when you grew up? When you were a little kid and you had a dream? I can't actually remember that far back... but I remember a few different careers I had planned out - architect, singer, stay at home "Brady Bunch" mum... It wasn't an amazing customer service assistant or a social worker... 

After much deliberation and several conversations with friends, I have finally taken the plunge and applied to go back to uni next year! Not only did I apply, but I was accepted!! So in February, I will be studying my Masters in Social Work part time. Yep, little old me who is constantly running late and rushing around like an idiot trying to get things done, is going to add an extra level of crazy to our lives! Why you ask??! Well, the first answer that springs to mind is “cos I’m an idiot” who even does that to them self? But the real reason is, I’m ready to do something more.

My current job was only meant to get me through uni. The first time. I finished that degree 11 years ago... I did actually make it to the end! I got my Bachelor of Education, but I only had temporary teaching jobs and well, there were some less than pleasant experiences in there. I think a lot of that can be attributed to my lack of confidence. I couldn't cope, and I couldn't get the support I needed. So I stayed working retail because I knew what I was doing and I was useful there. But I need more of a challenge in my life (ha! yeah good one, as if I haven't been challenged enough right?!) I need to make a difference to the world. I also need to improve my financial situation, because clearly my plan of winning $80M lottery is not working out.... of course studying means I'll be adding more debt to my life, but that's a future problem!

The scariest thing about doing this is the placement. I have to do two lots of 500 hours!! I don't think I've even committed that much time to playing Zelda games on Nintendo! I hate new and unfamiliar situations - probably why I've stayed working in the same place for so long. But I also know that I am waaay more willing to try new things now, and I will back myself in whatever I do. No one is making me do this. It wasn't like finishing school and everyone in my class HAD to apply to uni... this is me making an adult choice to do something for me and my babies. This is me saying 'why the heck not?!' The time is going to pass anyway, I might as well do something useful with myself.

I am also very aware of the fact that I am a skilled procrastinator!! I leave things to the last minute. Part of that is because I'm so afraid of failing, I convince myself that I'll fail whether I do it a week in advance or I do a half-ass job the night before. But, I'm hoping to change that. I've already applied and set up my student account!! Admittedly it is my old account so there wasn't much work involved... but it's done. I've looked up the subjects too, but it's too early to actually enroll in any. I just hope I stay this interested and motivated when the time to start rolls around.

I may be freaking out just a little about how I'll actually cope with everything, but I won't know until I try. And I've made it this far through all of this crap life has thrown at me, so what's the worst that can happen??

But if anyone wants to volunteer to be my housekeeper/nanny I wont say no!
Failing that, I'm taking donations for a dishwasher :p 

Don't let the sound of your own wheels drive you crazy

Now the dust has settled on that last little truth bomb, it’s back to dealing with the feels. I know for a lot of people, what you read last time was not a huge surprise. Most of you know me and have known me for quite some time so you had an idea of what was going on. To those people that sent me messages of love and support I thank you from the bottom of my heart. As you can understand this is not an easy thing to talk about. It’s taken me a long time to be able to say it just as fact. Not something that defined my life, not something that I had to hide from, not something I have to be ashamed of... because at the end of the day, I didn’t do anything wrong! There will be people who don’t agree with what I say and how I feel, and that’s ok. I can’t control your thoughts or feelings anymore than you can control mine. Everyone will have an opinion and a theory. What I “should have done” or “how could you not know” but let me tell you this, no one, absolutely NO ONE can make me question those things more than I have already done to myself. If gossiping and speculating about someone else’s hard times makes you feel good, then I’m probably not gonna be able to change that attitude. But the thing I’ve learnt through all of this is that we all process things differently. Of course “if it was me” things would have happened differently, cos we all think we know how we’d deal with something... until we’re actually in that moment.

One of the things that hurt me the most was the guilt. The self blame. The “how could I let this happen” I’m one of those people that takes anything bad in their life as their fault. It’s just how I’ve always been. Someone doesn’t msg me back - they must hate me cos I did something wrong. People are laughing when I walk into a room - obviously because they think I’m a loser. I failed an assignment - I’m too stupid to do anything right. So of course when I found out the life I had was completely false, I questioned why I didn’t realise. The simple answer is - because he made it that way! I was manipulated and played because of my trusting nature. He took advantage of my insecurities so that if I ever did have even a second of doubt about anything, it could all be put back on me. “It’s the depression” “you’re tired” “stop nagging me”

When I was first told “these people do this” I didn’t want to believe it. I was quite defensive actually. They didn’t know him like I did.... ha! Turns out I knew nothing! How could I have been fooled?! How many other people in my life are lying to my face? Am I just a big gullible idiot so desperate for love that I’ll believe anything? Nope, I’m not. I’m a victim in this. I didn’t want to be. But you can be a victim without losing your dignity. I can hold my head up and say I lived through this. I carried my babies through this horrible trauma, and they are doing just fine. I’m doing fine. There were times when I wasn’t. And it’s never going to be all sunshine and rainbows. But my hope is to take something good out of a shitty situation. Not to hide from this. It happened. This is my life now.

I was told that hate is a very strong word, and I respected the teacher who told me that so I made the effort to not use the word so often. I reserve it for truly necessary moments. But even after this, I can’t say that I hate him... I hate what he did and what he’s put us through. But I don’t hate him. I feel disappointment. Resent, anger. But not hate. I don’t even carry the anger with me all the time now. It comes out when it’s called for, but being angry about something I can’t change isn’t going to help me. There are much better things to focus on in life. I have two of the most amazing little people on the planet who need me to show them how to be decent humans. To teach them kindness and compassion. To show them how to pick themselves up and try again. That it’s ok to get things wrong, life doesn’t always go to plan, but you never give up!