Marriage... as interpreted by my children!

Over the last few weeks we've had some conversations about being married and what that means, and also what getting 'unmarried' involves. My kids come out with some interesting questions and equally interesting (and highly amusing) answers! This first conversation took place in the car when we were coming home from the gym one afternoon. I'm not sure what sparked it, but it was about their recently separated Uncle & Aunty.

Miss 7 - I wonder where T & A live now
Me - well they don't live together anymore remember?
M7 - oh yeah, cos they decided not to be married anymore... how do you get unmarried?
Me - well... (had to think of an age appropriate way to explain it that wouldn't involve a series of further questions!) you go to the court and you sign a piece of paper....
M7 - but you can't get unmarried if you're married!! (She was quite angry and insistent on this point)
Mr 5 - yes you can! You just take off your ring then you're not married anymore!

Well I'm glad they cleared that up for me. Here I was thinking it was a highly complex process, and all I had to do was take my ring off!

There were a few more questions - "are you and daddy unmarried?" "did you break up?" "is daddy still our daddy?" and then it was on to a different topic. 

But again today, the question of getting "unmarried" came up. Again in the car, on the way home from they gym.... hmmm, sensing a theme here.... anyway, Miss 7 again...

"when you get unmarried, can you get married again"
Me - yeah you can if you want to 
M7 - so you could get married again? Cos you and daddy broke up so you're not married anymore...
Me - yeah, I could get married again... do you think I should?
M7 - so if you get married again, does that mean we get a new dad?
Me - uumm, I guess so... (not really sure where this is going...) 
M7 - ok then, you should get married again so we can get a new dad!! 

So apparently getting married again and getting a new dad is just like getting a new pet.... you just decide you want one and go get it! Part of me is concerned that she thinks it's like that... you don't just 'get a new dad'. But they didn't just lose their dad in a normal sense either. They know he made some bad choices and he can't live with us anymore, so I guess to them he is gone for good. And at this point in time, realistically, he is. 

Most of me is actually really proud of this progress in her emotional state though. To understand that daddy won't be coming back, and that she's ok with that enough to ask for a new dad... that's a pretty massive leap! However, I'm worried that when I do introduce a new man to them, the first thing she'll ask is "are you our new dad".... that's just how my girl rolls, straight to the point! 

So if anyone needs to rehome a husband/dad, we're looking  ;)

Born to Try

Three little letters. T.R.Y. 

We say it about food - just try a little bite.
We say it about projects - I'll try to get it done by then.
When the kids "can't" do something - JUST TRY!

Try new things. Try more things. Try harder!

But what if we stopped trying.... Stop putting so much effort into things that don't really matter. That don't  make us happy... 

Stop trying to be the perfect parent - they don't exist! You don't need to have a picture perfect house, amazing home made food, clean children... half the time my kids aren't even dressed! They've been to the shops in their PJs, I mean at least it's clothes right? So what if they eat vegemite sandwiches for every meal for a week (or a month)... it's food that they'll eat, go with it! Stop putting so much pressure on yourself to do things you think you're meant to... whether that's because society has this expectation you want to live up to, or you think people are judging you, or you just want to be "perfect"... STOP! Your kids don't care... Mine sure don't! They don't give a shit if I spend 3 hours picking up toys, vacuuming and mopping... they're just gonna drop yoghurt on the floor in 5 mins anyway.... What they care about is if mummy is happy! I have well and truly overused the phrase "mummy is very grumpy".... so much that Mr 5 used to say "you happy mummy?" 

I know I've been a pretty crappy housewife lately (ok, for like 10 years, whatever).... But when I tuck those babies in bed and get told "I love you mummy, you're the best mummy ever" well that's what really matters. Even when all I've done all day is nag, and yell and "command" (Mr 5 again), yet they still tell me I'm amazing, all that other stuff doesn't matter. 

And doing it on my own is hard. Like really freaking depressingly, I want to bulldoze my house cos it looks like shit hard.... But even when I was married my house was never spotless... it was actually more like having a third child leaving crap lying around. But when I go all Marie Kondo on this place.... But at least I know that when it looks good, it's all on me. When it looks shit, it's on me too, but we wont talk about that! 

Every thing good I have right now, is on me. When people say nice things about my kids (Which surprisingly they do!) that's because of me! When they say how good I'm looking, that's because of me! The amazing people I have in my life are there because of who I am. They can see the past the annoying bits and love me anyway. 

I'm not really sure how much sense any of this had made to anyone else... it's just a jumble of what's going on in the old grey matter at the moment... what I really want to say though is, give yourself a break! And give yourself credit for everything you do! You may not get it right every time, but that's how we learn.

Wish Somebody Would Tell Me I’m Fine...

Today is a shitty day. My head hurts. My back hurts. My soul hurts.

So I guess it’s no real surprise these lyrics popped into my head... 

Losing my sight
Losing my mind
Wish somebody would tell me I'm fine

I never realized I was spread too thin

'Till it was too late
And I was empty within
Hungry!
Feeding on chaos and living in sin
Downward spiral

Where do I begin?

Read more:  Papa Roach - Last Resort Lyrics | MetroLyrics 

I honestly don’t think I’ve ever listened to the real song, I only know it as part of a Weird Al polka.... and it sounds a lot more fun in that! But these words resonate with me on so many levels, especially today.

Kids are pushing all the buttons and I’m ready to strangle one of them.... yesterday was all about her, so she thinks that our whole life is about her.... she’s always been that way, first born child maybe? Or slack ass mum who CBF arguing? I just can’t handle her shit! If she doesn’t get what she wants it’s tantrum city! Like full on screaming, squealing, kicking, throwing things.... but it’s only me who cops it! Well, 90% of the time I guess, cos sometimes there’ll be someone else around when she explodes. Of course she’s little miss perfect child at school... probably a good thing though, cos I couldn’t handle dealing with the school for that. I don’t even know what to do with her, let alone give anyone else strategies!

I try to be understanding of their situation. Life changed drastically for us in the blink of an eye, and they just don’t have the emotional capacity to understand it. But right now I don’t either! What’s that saying - “you can’t pour from an empty cup”.... the only thing in my cup is bitterness and alcohol... a nasty combination.

I know that they’re just kids, and they struggle with emotions. And I’m not mad at them. I love them more than anything in the world. I wouldn’t be in this mess if I didn’t. I’m mad at the selfish asshole acts of their dad. Someone who was meant to look after us and provide for us. Someone who was meant to be safe... instead I’m left picking up the pieces and trying to build us a normal, safe life that doesn’t include him. And it fucking sux! 

But whyyyy.....

If you’re a mum, then you’ve heard “but why?” more times than you can count! Dads probably hear it too, but I’m not a dad... In our house it’s “why do I have to wear clothes?” (Cos society deems it inappropriate to go out naked kiddo, soz I don’t like it any more than you do but rules is rules) “why can’t I have chocolate for breakfast?” (Uh, well cos that’s mummy’s chocolate? And it’s not healthy...) why do we have to brush our teeth, why can’t we stay up late.... all the usual kid why’s right? Then there’s the mummy whys... why aren’t you wearing pants, again?! Why is there water all over the floor? Why did I bother cleaning the house? Why am I shouting... again?! 

But I have a whole next level of whys... why is this so hard? Why am I dealing with this shit? Why me?! I can answer the first one - anything that’s worth the effort is hard! My kids and our happiness are worth it! Sometimes I’d rather leave them in a box on someone else’s doorstep, and run away to the Bahamas.... but I know I’d miss them. They drive me bat-fucking-shit-crazy an awful lot, but I think that’s more because I’m so high strung and distracted that it doesn’t take much to piss me off... 
As for why I’m dealing with this, well I’m just trying to fix a mess that someone else made. I didn’t fuck it all up, I’m just picking up the pieces. I didn’t wake up one day and decide to destroy my family and my life. That was done TO me. So, I guess I’m dealing with it cos I don’t want it to beat me. I don’t want us to be victims. 

Obviously it would have been so much easier to just write myself off, give my kids up, give my life up... and believe me those thoughts have crossed my mind more than once. 
But I’m not a quitter. 
My sister gave me an little card that says “you were given this life because you’re strong enough to live it” It’s stuck to my mirror so I see it every morning, and I do believe it. Some days it’s just a lot harder than others. 

Where to start.... again...

Well, this is attempt number 3 for me starting a blog... 
Why this time? Because I have a story to tell. A huge, long, twisted, emotional, ongoing story! And it won’t be chronological. I’m just starting from now, with how I’m feeling and what’s happening in my head. I’ll jump back and forth when the feels get me, so try to keep up. Or don’t... read what you will, think what you think. This is more of a therapy for me. But if what I’m going through is relatable to your life, take it. If I can help you feel less “alone”, more “normal” or even amuse you in some way, embrace it. I don’t have all the answers, heck I don’t even know what the questions are! I’m just making my own path through this crazy life I’ve been given. 

I like to use quotes and analogies a lot. And song lyrics! I feel like everything in my life can be found in a song somewhere. So be prepared to learn some new tunes as you read along, you might even like them ;) Take the title of this new blog for example “learning to live again” is not only what I’ve had to do and continue doing every day, it’s also a song by my all time favourite artist Mr Garth Brooks. Given my love for quoting lyrics, it will come as no great surprise that I also love to sing said lyrics. Quite often. And loud! Much to the disapproval of my children.... 

Oh yes, my children. I’m a single mumma of 2 human children (miss 7 and mr 5) and also a  pirate dog. He’s not actually a pirate (duh) but he does only have one eye. He thinks he’s a big tough guy, but all he’s likely to do is lick you to death. And maybe gas you with his doggy breath.... We live in “tropical paradise” North Queensland, we don’t go to the beach often enough and we spend way too much time indoors! I’m really hoping to start taking us on some adventures as the weather “cools down”....

I have struggled with anxiety and depression since high school. Always worried what people think of me, always overthinking things and analysing to the extreme. But I’ve also learnt how to combat that (sometimes). A huge development in my mental strength came through joining a gym! Yup, exercise is good for your mind! I do personal training 3 times a week and I can deadlift 100kg.... so if I can do that, I can handle any other shit that comes my way right!? 

So for the last 3 years since shit went down, I’ve been getting up, putting my big girl pants on, and handling it! It’s been far from easy.... I wouldn’t recommend taking the trip I have to reach the point I’m at... but somehow, I’ve done it.