Cause nothing's going right, And everything's a mess, And no one likes to be alone

I’ve been kinda preoccupied recently. Being miserable and feeling sorry for myself. Moving around wondering “why me?!” I don’t know who I’ve pissed off or what they’re trying to teach me, but I’m done!! Surely if there was a God he (or she) wouldn’t be this cruel... I know I’m not a saint by any means, but I think I’m a pretty good person... I work hard, I love my family and my friends, I follow the law, I pay my taxes... and I have a fucking big heart!! It even comes with a pretty decent set of boobs on top! I’m a catch! Yet here I am, alone and sulking on the couch, eating my feelings for the 675th night in a row....

I know I’ve done a lot of amazing things on my own. I’ve had no choice. And I like things done a certain way (my way!) so I should be happy I don’t have someone folding the towels wrong and putting the toilet roll on upside down... but truth is, I need someone to love!! I’m a giver. I need someone to hold me and stroke my hair when I’m hangry. I need someone to cook for. Someone who appreciates actual food, not my ungrateful children who scream at me cos I cut the sandwich into triangles instead of fucking squares!! I need someone to share stupid jokes with that only we get...

Don’t get me wrong, I love those ungrateful, uncultured, screeching kids of mine more than anything on this earth!! But it’s not the same. I know they’ll love me no matter what. They tell me I’m the best mummy in the whole wide world and they never want to live with anyone else... and they do have some pretty interesting views on the world and solutions for problems... but it’s not the same!!

I’m not looking for someone to make me happy, or complete me, or solve my problems or anything like that. I just hate the loneliness! So much. And it’s so much worse now I know that he has someone else in his life. He has a fucking boyfriend and I don’t!!! What the hell kinda cruel world is this?? Sure I get the kids and the house, but I’m funding that all on my own.

As much as I like to believe that everything happens for a reason, and we only get what we can handle and everything will be ok in the end... shit like this makes it hard to keep believing that. This is not something that happens to me!! This is the kinda shit you see in movies. It doesn’t happen to people you know!! So please would someone tell me what’s the point of it all?? What am I being prepared for?! What am I meant to do with all this experience I’m racking up??

There's no load I can't hold, Road so rough this I know

Talk about 4 seasons in 1 day! I’m not sure what the emotional equivalent to that is, but I’ve had it today... my day started at 1:30am with Mr 5 vomiting in my bed 🤮 poor little dude had a buster yesterday arv and smacked his head so it was probably a delayed concussion... he was fine before and after the spew so I think he’s good. He was awake and coherent enough to ask for a bath so he could play with toys!! Cos that’s a priority at 1:30am... I’m actually glad it was in my bed instead of his though, because his bed and floor has that much stuff covering it I’d be washing things for a month! I’m sure this won’t be out last knock to the head... this kid should have come with a helmet!

When 7:30 rolls around I get up and make pancakes (yay Saturday!) kids are happy, I’m happy, everyone’s being nice and getting along! Then it’s time to get ready for my photo shoot I’ve been hanging out for for weeks!  I was super excited and organised. I’d made my own playlist, I had my props sorted and I had the absolute best time doing it!! So excited to see the end product! 

Left the kiddies at home with a friend while I went to do that and got home to find them all still alive and being nice to each other 😊 of course while we’re sitting there chatting the kids decide to get into paint downstairs... cue crazy, ranting mummy!! I did manage to control myself since we had company, but seriously, way to crash my high! 

Then I received some pretty sad news - my lovely babysitter had to cancel for this evening due to her grandma passing away. I feel so sad for her and her family and the fact that she was worried she’d let me down! Sure I’d been looking forward to going out, but I was also not feeling as excited as I had been... social gatherings still put me on edge. And even though it was with people I like (not something I HAD to do) I was still just feeling a bit anxious. But I had a friend organise a babysitter for both our kids, so I could have gone! Buuut I went for a nap and woke up feeling even less energetic and decided I’d just stay home and order pizza instead. 

Now the kids are in bed and I’m trying to decide what to do for the evening. I could continue playing Zelda - that’s what’s been keeping me up late all week! Or I could watch something... but I’ll probably spend 2 hrs searching then fall asleep anyway. Or I could wash the dishes... my whole house is a total disaster zone... it looks like there’s been an explosion then had a cyclone through it... and the thought of cleaning it up is so overwhelming that I just pretend I don’t care. Kids will only trash it again anyway 🤷🏼‍♀️ Or I could just go to bed and hope things will magically sort themselves out while I’m asleep. But I’ll lie there caught up in my own thoughts for hours. How do you stop your mind racing and wondering? There’s still so much up in the air for me....

My property settlement finally happened a few weeks ago so that’s one less worry! But now I’ve filed the court application for parenting orders... which means I will have to go to court at some point in the near future. All because someone believes that they can get supervised visits with the kids so won’t just agree to no contact. Like seriously dude?! Child safety and the police do not approve of contact and quite frankly nor do I! We’ve spent a long time getting used to life being just the 3 of us now. How much damage is going to be caused by suddenly getting to see someone for like an hour then they disappear again... and who’s gonna have to deal with that fallout? Me! It’s never him. All he has to think about is himself.... which is pretty evident from his behaviour anyway. 

And while I think it is HIGHLY unlikely any court would agree to any contact, it’s still a possibility. Albeit a very tiny one, but possible nonetheless. But before the court gets to make a decision there has to be a family report prepared by an independent psychologist. Which of course means more time, stress, and money. Thankfully I still have that loan from bank of Mum. 

So that’s just a little bit of what’s been on my mind lately... most days I seem to cycle through all the emotions. And sadly, the solution is not in the bottom of the Nutella jar! 

When you're ready to go, And your heart's left in doubt, Don't give up on your faith

I know, I know, Celine Dion for the title... whatever, I like that song! I like a lot of her songs actually. I like a lot of things that other people don’t. I don’t do “popular” or “bandwagons” I’m not into something cos it’s the cool new trend. I’m one of those people that would deliberately “hate” whatever was popular.... Back in high school - Hanson? Vomit! Harry Potter? What garbage. Leonardo Di Caprio? More like Leo Di CRAPrio! Yeah I was one of those people...

So what does that have to do with anything you may wonder? Well, being “different” in high school made you a target. Not being “cool” automatically made you a “loser” and when you hear things like that often enough you start to believe it. Well I did any way. I wasn’t like everyone else, I must be weird. I was always the “good kid” at school - always followed the rules, I did my homework, I let my friends copy my homework so they didn’t get in trouble! I was a bit of a suck up really.

But trying to be good at the same time as being hated for it, that was hard. That damn near broke me. By the time I decided I’d had enough of being who I thought everyone wanted me to be I flipped. I went full rebel! I was late to school every day (and I only lived across the street!) I didn’t do homework and assignments. I gave teachers attitude. I gave other kids my actual option of them... and well, it didn’t go down so well....

Ok Full rebel may have been an exaggeration, there’s worse things I could have done... but for me it was way out of character and something was wrong. So that’s when the good old school counsellor got involved. And honestly, that guy was a twat! Wasn’t very helpful. Did get me out of class though... and as a teenager who was depressed, I played that card! Obviously looking back now it’s not really something to be proud of. But people didn’t really know how to handle me.

Now here we are, 20 years later. Still an emotional time bomb. Still no idea what I’m doing half the time. Still having days where I’d rather not wake up. Ever. Still having days where everything is too hard and everything pisses me off. But thankfully those days have become less frequent and I know when I’m slipping. I’ve taken mental health days from work. I’m medicated. I have a psychologist. I have amazing family and friends. And I have this incredible fire inside me that refuses to go out!

The things I’ve been through in my life have been pretty crappy. Not only the last few years but several other events over time. And I have been ready to check out permanently on more than one occasion. But I can’t. No matter how hard it gets, I have so much to live for! I know when I’m feeling off and I know it’s ok. There’s nothing wrong with having hard days! Some people have more than others and that’s ok. Some people deal with them better than others and that’s ok too.

It is absolutely OK to be NOT OK!!

But you need to tell someone when you’re not ok. You have to find a way to be ok. Don’t keep a lid on it until it boils over!

You got this xx

Go to college or university, get a real job, that's what they said to me

Do you remember what you wanted to be when you grew up? When you were a little kid and you had a dream? I can't actually remember that far back... but I remember a few different careers I had planned out - architect, singer, stay at home "Brady Bunch" mum... It wasn't an amazing customer service assistant or a social worker... 

After much deliberation and several conversations with friends, I have finally taken the plunge and applied to go back to uni next year! Not only did I apply, but I was accepted!! So in February, I will be studying my Masters in Social Work part time. Yep, little old me who is constantly running late and rushing around like an idiot trying to get things done, is going to add an extra level of crazy to our lives! Why you ask??! Well, the first answer that springs to mind is “cos I’m an idiot” who even does that to them self? But the real reason is, I’m ready to do something more.

My current job was only meant to get me through uni. The first time. I finished that degree 11 years ago... I did actually make it to the end! I got my Bachelor of Education, but I only had temporary teaching jobs and well, there were some less than pleasant experiences in there. I think a lot of that can be attributed to my lack of confidence. I couldn't cope, and I couldn't get the support I needed. So I stayed working retail because I knew what I was doing and I was useful there. But I need more of a challenge in my life (ha! yeah good one, as if I haven't been challenged enough right?!) I need to make a difference to the world. I also need to improve my financial situation, because clearly my plan of winning $80M lottery is not working out.... of course studying means I'll be adding more debt to my life, but that's a future problem!

The scariest thing about doing this is the placement. I have to do two lots of 500 hours!! I don't think I've even committed that much time to playing Zelda games on Nintendo! I hate new and unfamiliar situations - probably why I've stayed working in the same place for so long. But I also know that I am waaay more willing to try new things now, and I will back myself in whatever I do. No one is making me do this. It wasn't like finishing school and everyone in my class HAD to apply to uni... this is me making an adult choice to do something for me and my babies. This is me saying 'why the heck not?!' The time is going to pass anyway, I might as well do something useful with myself.

I am also very aware of the fact that I am a skilled procrastinator!! I leave things to the last minute. Part of that is because I'm so afraid of failing, I convince myself that I'll fail whether I do it a week in advance or I do a half-ass job the night before. But, I'm hoping to change that. I've already applied and set up my student account!! Admittedly it is my old account so there wasn't much work involved... but it's done. I've looked up the subjects too, but it's too early to actually enroll in any. I just hope I stay this interested and motivated when the time to start rolls around.

I may be freaking out just a little about how I'll actually cope with everything, but I won't know until I try. And I've made it this far through all of this crap life has thrown at me, so what's the worst that can happen??

But if anyone wants to volunteer to be my housekeeper/nanny I wont say no!
Failing that, I'm taking donations for a dishwasher :p 

Don't let the sound of your own wheels drive you crazy

Now the dust has settled on that last little truth bomb, it’s back to dealing with the feels. I know for a lot of people, what you read last time was not a huge surprise. Most of you know me and have known me for quite some time so you had an idea of what was going on. To those people that sent me messages of love and support I thank you from the bottom of my heart. As you can understand this is not an easy thing to talk about. It’s taken me a long time to be able to say it just as fact. Not something that defined my life, not something that I had to hide from, not something I have to be ashamed of... because at the end of the day, I didn’t do anything wrong! There will be people who don’t agree with what I say and how I feel, and that’s ok. I can’t control your thoughts or feelings anymore than you can control mine. Everyone will have an opinion and a theory. What I “should have done” or “how could you not know” but let me tell you this, no one, absolutely NO ONE can make me question those things more than I have already done to myself. If gossiping and speculating about someone else’s hard times makes you feel good, then I’m probably not gonna be able to change that attitude. But the thing I’ve learnt through all of this is that we all process things differently. Of course “if it was me” things would have happened differently, cos we all think we know how we’d deal with something... until we’re actually in that moment.

One of the things that hurt me the most was the guilt. The self blame. The “how could I let this happen” I’m one of those people that takes anything bad in their life as their fault. It’s just how I’ve always been. Someone doesn’t msg me back - they must hate me cos I did something wrong. People are laughing when I walk into a room - obviously because they think I’m a loser. I failed an assignment - I’m too stupid to do anything right. So of course when I found out the life I had was completely false, I questioned why I didn’t realise. The simple answer is - because he made it that way! I was manipulated and played because of my trusting nature. He took advantage of my insecurities so that if I ever did have even a second of doubt about anything, it could all be put back on me. “It’s the depression” “you’re tired” “stop nagging me”

When I was first told “these people do this” I didn’t want to believe it. I was quite defensive actually. They didn’t know him like I did.... ha! Turns out I knew nothing! How could I have been fooled?! How many other people in my life are lying to my face? Am I just a big gullible idiot so desperate for love that I’ll believe anything? Nope, I’m not. I’m a victim in this. I didn’t want to be. But you can be a victim without losing your dignity. I can hold my head up and say I lived through this. I carried my babies through this horrible trauma, and they are doing just fine. I’m doing fine. There were times when I wasn’t. And it’s never going to be all sunshine and rainbows. But my hope is to take something good out of a shitty situation. Not to hide from this. It happened. This is my life now.

I was told that hate is a very strong word, and I respected the teacher who told me that so I made the effort to not use the word so often. I reserve it for truly necessary moments. But even after this, I can’t say that I hate him... I hate what he did and what he’s put us through. But I don’t hate him. I feel disappointment. Resent, anger. But not hate. I don’t even carry the anger with me all the time now. It comes out when it’s called for, but being angry about something I can’t change isn’t going to help me. There are much better things to focus on in life. I have two of the most amazing little people on the planet who need me to show them how to be decent humans. To teach them kindness and compassion. To show them how to pick themselves up and try again. That it’s ok to get things wrong, life doesn’t always go to plan, but you never give up!

Heart attacked by fear and doubt, won't be long till the truth comes out

Sadly, this is not a post about wishing you well, despite taking the lyrics from that brilliant song. They just seem to really fit with what I'm about to say. Or try to say.

I think I've reached the time where I'm ready to let it all out. To let go of this horrible reality that I've been living. To share it out to everyone. It's scary. But it needs to be done. For my healing, my processing, my moving on. I've been putting it off for some time for a few reasons. I mean, it's my life and my story so it's not even really anyone else's business unless I choose to make it so. And it's so personal. And confronting! And traumatic. And painful! Shocking, insane, unbelievable, and a whole host of other big words. And worst of all, it's true.

So maybe grab yourself a box of tissues and pillow (to punch or hold onto or cry into) and set yourself up somewhere private, cos you're not gonna take this well.
Some people know all of this already because they are my people! My rocks. My amazing cheer squad that keep me going. Some people know bits of it because they've joined dots as I've become less cautious of what I say and where I am. And some people are completely oblivious to how epically my life fell apart. 

So, here we go....

Three years ago, my husband was arrested and sent to prison for 15 months.
Because my then 4 year old told me that "daddy lets me touch his penis"

My sweet baby girl had been a victim of his behaviour since she was only 6 months old!!
The person who was supposed to keep her safe, was abusing her. Using her for his own sick gain. Not just her, but her baby brother too! And he was much younger when it started.

And of course, I had no fucking clue! I thought I had this amazing husband who would stay home with the kids so I could go out for a night with the girls, or get groceries on my own, or go to work so we didn't have to pay as much day care. But no, his reasons were purely selfish and in appropriate.

The days and weeks after that truth bomb exploded my whole life are big giant blurry mess. I had to be interviewed by police and child safety. My baby girl had to be interviewed by police. Alone! They wouldn't let me be with her while they questioned her. I had child safety telling me they were concerned about my involvement because my response of "how do I just give up on my husband" was apparently not the right one.... Well sorry my whole life just got fucked up, I'm a little shocked over here! Trying to take in the fact that you'd been lied to for pretty much your whole relationship, by the person you were meant to trust the most, for the rest of your life, oh and he's also going to jail, NOW, is just a bit much for one afternoon!!

I know I had the crazy thought of just packing us all up (him included) and running! I didn't want this to be true. I didn't want my life to be this mess. I wanted my family together.
Obviously that would have been a pretty dumb idea, given what he'd done. And running from the cops isn't really advisable in any situation. But I was just so incredibly dumbfounded by this whole thing that all logic went out the window.

I am truly grateful for the friends who were there for me on that night and the days that followed. I didn't even ring my mum to tell her, I couldn't. I didn't know how. And I was secretly hoping it was all just a big misunderstanding or some horrific nightmare that I could just forget about. But it wasn't.

Then on top of trying to deal with all that truth for me, I was also dealing with two small humans who had no idea WTF was going on. All they wanted to know was when daddy was coming home. And I had no answer. How do you tell them that he did something so wrong and they'll likely never see him again.... There were many nights where the three of us would just sit on the couch crying. My heart was so broken for my beautiful babies. Everything felt pointless. I was floating in space, with no life line.

There were weeks of no idea what was going on. The police wouldn't tell me anything because it was an open investigation. Child safety had pretty much the same line. I had very little information on the details of what he had actually done, it took me a long time to get to finding that out. I was left cleaning up after a party that I didn't attend. And it was a fucking nightmare.

But somehow, I managed to keep getting up each day and doing "normal" things. I went to work, I did laundry, I bought groceries, I made my kids eat vegetables.... But I knew nothing about my life was normal anymore. I had to make a new normal. I had to keep fighting for those precious little babies (who do have a habit of driving me bat fucking shit crazy) because I love them more than anything on this earth. Giving up just wasn't an option. Believe me it was pretty bloody tempting quite often, but mumma didn't raise no quitter!

Like I've said before, I do believe things happen for a reason, and life never gives you anything you can't handle... but come on? I've done my share! I know that I am such a different person now. I'm so much stronger inside and out. I'm less likely to let things slide - I call shit out when it's wrong, I stand up for myself and my babies. So there has been good to come from this. There's been a lot of bad, but there's been a lot of good things. And I won't let it stop me caring about people and being kind. I'll always find a reason to smile. And I get to make the terrible "dad jokes"

If you've made it to this point, thanks for sticking it out.
This is my story, it's not a hate post. It's just my reality.

Love is thicker than blood

I've been a little quiet again lately. You may think that's because I've got my shit together and life is going great.... Sorry, WRONG! In fact, it means the complete opposite. My life is still a one million piece jigsaw puzzle, without a box for reference. And I'm pretty sure there's pieces missing.... There's been so much going on yet nothing has really changed. I'm not sure how that's possible, but here we are.

So let's start with the drama. Always drama. Everyone loves a good drama! Especially when it's not happening to them...And as usual, this drama involves money. I know it doesn't buy happiness, but it sure does alleviate an awful lot of stress!! The bank got back to me with a maximum amount i could borrow, and it was much less than what was still owing on the current loan... cue panic! I knew there were a few options, but none of them were overly appealing. I could sell the house (pack and move, no thanks!), I could take the money from the kids savings and my last little bit of emergency money (would rather not clean them out and start again), or ring Bank of Mum and ask for help... It's not that I thought she'd say no, or not be able to help, but it was that self loathing "I've failed and I need her to bail me out" So I'm crying like an idiot cos she said she'd transfer money, and she's like why are  you crying? Well duh mum, it's not your problem to fix!! And of course, my ever sensible mum says well if it keeps the roof over your head... and you can pay it back at some point (I'm pretty sure "some point" actually means I just won't inherit anything when she leaves this life in 30 odd years... but I'm cool with that)

So thanks to mum and her very frugal ways, I have a new loan signed and waiting!! About bloody time you say? Well, don't get too excited just yet! Those good old property transfer documents still haven't been finalised.... They've been signed and posted (yes, the actual original documents this time, so posted) 2 weeks ago, I'm just waiting for my lawyer to get them so I can sign, then they organise settlement with the bank, and hey presto we're done!! Well at least that side of things will be done. There's still parenting orders that need to be stamped, and I'm sure that will be another shit storm... but one drama at a time huh...

On the flip side of all this, we are very lucky to have the rest of his family still including us in their lives. Last weekend we got to celebrate our baby cousin's 1st birthday! The kids are absolutely in love with her and could not stop talking about how adorable she is. I even took a huge step and asked if we could stay with grandma & grandad! Which wasn't as weird as it could have been. We were only there for 2 nights, and not a whole lot of time during the day, but the kids loved it and I'm pretty sure the grandparents did too. At the end of the day, I have to suck it up and do what's right for my kids, and keeping them connected with all their family is really important to me. I'm not cutting anyone out of their lives unnecessarily. I'm sure it would have been much easier for me, and his family, to just cut ties, but we aren't the ones who did the wrong thing. It's a very strange reality to accept, but we're pushing through each day and finding our way. To quote my very wise baby girl "I wish daddy had thought about what his choices would mean for our future"

Other good news, I got the kids' report cards and neither of them is dumb, so that's a win! Mr 5 is a little punk who doesn't cooperate, but he's demonstrated satisfactory knowledge so far. He's actually started in a new class last week too, so hopefully that makes a positive change for him. He likes this teacher, "she's not boring!!" I'll have a parent interview with his old teacher during the week, but I'm not sure it will have much impact on how to deal with him this term. She could even surprise me with some good news about him!
Miss 7 I know is smashing it at school. She loves learning and sharing her knowledge and her teacher absolutely adores her :) I'm rather excited to see her work, especially the stories she's been writing which her teacher describes as "interesting and entertaining" I love that she is such a good kid at school. Pretty sure they send me home someone else's child though...

Also took the kiddies to their first ever football game (quite probably their only one) thanks to a very good friend who had a family pass and needed to adopt an adult and 2 kids. Football just doesn't interest me and my kids honestly don't even know the difference between sports haha! But for the sake of the experience and taking the kids somewhere new I decided we'd accept the offer. Luckily "their" favourite team was playing (read Aunty's team so she buys them merch) so they had the appropriate attire for the occasion. Mr 5 loved cheering! He didn't care which team scored, he just loved shouting!! We left part way into the second half cos the excitement level was off the charts and the kids just couldn't behave, but they were very happy to hear "our team" won. When I asked Miss 7 if she enjoyed it and would like to go again she said "it was great! But I'll only go if the Rabbitohs are playing again" At least that gives me a whole year to prepare!

This has taken far longer to write than I'd planned, and it's probably a big old jumble mess.... but that's pretty standard for me! Just a textual representation of my mind.

Even heroes have the right to bleed

And here we are again, back to square one. Right back where we started. Stuck in some sick and twisted time loop. Just when I thought I had all my ducks in a row.... I don't even have ducks. There's geese, and swans, and fucking crocodiles pretending to be ducks! What is this shit? Who's cruel joke is this?! Come on, own up! You know I believe life never gives us anything we can't handle, but this is just bullshit! It's a bloody good thing I've been doing weight training for so long....

So what has put me in this delightful mood you may ask... or you may be too afraid to ask! Well, let me tell you! That new home loan I got approved 6 MONTHS AGO didn't get finalised... because the property transfer hadn't happened! (Y'all remember that rant a few months back right? Refer to "So much for my happy ending" to refresh your memory). I knew the time was running out, my bank manager gave me a heads up a month in advance... I forwarded that to my lawyers... they contacted his lawyers... and that's where it all came undone... apparently they are no more competent than the last lawyer he had... even less so, if that's even possible! I ended up emailing him directly to see if he'd even been sent the bloody paperwork (it was sent 5 weeks prior) of course you already know the answer is a big fat NO! But to his credit he did follow them up and get it, sign it and return it in 2 days.... but you know, he'd been 'trying to keep things moving' Sorry buster, 6 fucking months of dicking around is NOT keeping things moving! I'm not your mum, I'm not even your bloody wife anymore. Not my job to kick you in the butt to get shit done!

Anyways, Monday evening I received an email from my lawyer saying they had the documents, make a time to come sign. I thought yee-fuckinkg-ha this is done!! Well of course bloody not! As if anything in this shitty story could be that easy!! Lunch time Tuesday I get an email from the bank to say that the new, new loan I applied for the previous week was not approved because I didn't meet the income requirements.... say what now?! 6 months ago I was fine, but now you're telling me that it's not enough?! Even with that itty bitty pay rise I got.... Are you fucking serious?! So now I'm having a house transferred to my sole name and no means of paying for it?! Yeah great, no worries.

If I drop my loan amount by 10grand, I "may" be approved.... that's not certain. Luckily for me I was borrowing that bit extra because I do currently have credit in the loan account - hello bulk tax returns! So instead of paying the full amount into the account each month, I stash a huge amount in there and just let the payments come out of it and throw in a bit for the interest. Solid plan, has been working for 3 years. And thankfully it is tax time very soon, so I'll get something back.... but I may end up using it to buy that caravan the kids keep begging me to get! Then we can be gypsies.
I told the bank to do the application for the lower amount but I'm yet to hear the outcome of that.

On top of all that, Mr 5 has been a downright little shit at school!! I've signed 3 'sad grams' this week!! I'd never even heard of a fucking sad gram before he started school! Now we could start an Encyclopedia Britannica collection with his alone!! He just will not do anything that he doesn't want to. He was told to eat his sandwich before his muesli bar and that set him off. Like seriously kid, I tell you every damn morning you have to eat the fresh stuff first other wise it's no good and I have to throw it out when you bring it home.
In his words 'learning is boring!" He can spell his name and count to 10 so he's done learning!

In saying all this, I do have to acknowledge that there are some absolutely amazing, beautiful people in my life and there is absolutely no fucking way I would have made it this far without their love! And I know I have 2 absolutely beautiful, smart, funny, loving little monsters who think I am the best mummy ever. I am so so grateful that they think that, and say that, given how much yelling and ranting I do.... But holy crap on a cracker, I deserve a fucking trophy! "able to tolerate the most shitty situations and still crack jokes" or "biggest whinger with the biggest heart" or maybe "best at pretending they have their ducks in a row"

What have you done today to make you feel proud?

It's been a few weeks since I graced your screens with my ramblings, and I'm truly sorry to anyone who has suffered withdrawals from that.... I've been a bit preoccupied with the monsters in my head and feeling like I'm going around in circles... like my boat is circling dangerously close to  the plug hole and I'm trying to stay afloat... and I only have one paddle.... and my boat has a hole and is taking on water... oh and it's raining...

But anyway, here I am, trying to bring a little ray of sunshine into that ominous cloud. Or out from behind it? whatever.

I know I've had a lot of negative kind of posts, and it's really because there's so much heavy stuff on my mind. So today I want to share a nice little story about my day at work! For those that aren't aware, I work in retail customer service which can be pretty unrewarding at times. You've all heard the horror customer stories and seen the retail memes that go around!! But I'm pretty sure I'd get in a whole lot of trouble if I shared my thoughts on some of those experiences.....

So today, this elderly couple were looking for a digital clock with a large display.  I'd guess they were in their late 70s-early 80s, I'm not so good at guessing ages but they seemed more of my grandparents generation. The only large display clock I had was pretty fancy - wireless phone charging, bluetooth, usb, clock, radio. And it cost $99.... I showed it to them and mentioned the price and the fact that there were a lot of features that they probably wouldn't use (they agreed!) But the gentleman said if it was all I had then he'd pay the price because his wife needed the large display. And he had that grin that said he'd do anything for her. He asked if they could see it switched on, so I found the box (it was my display and the only one left) and we set it up. Then he asked me to show him how to set the time and the alarm.... well that was a bit of a mission! I even had to read the instructions... but we got it set up and tested the alarm, tuned the radio and tried the volume. Then he asked if I'd mind switching it off and back on so he could have a go at setting it up. So I let him do that, and he tried a few times, wanting to be sure he understood how to do it all. By this time we'd been at it a good 15 mins and I had other customers in my area. I asked if he'd mind if I checked to see if anyone else needed a hand and he was most apologetic about taking up my time and insisted I go while he practiced setting up the clock. Once I came back he was confident he knew what he was doing and he'd take the clock. He and his wife were most grateful for my help and they left with big smiles on their faces.

Sometimes having customers like that can be incredibly frustrating and I just don't have the patience for it! But that half hour I spent with them today made me feel all warm and fuzzy inside. I don't really know why, I was really just doing my job - serving customers. They were just such a lovely couple and I could tell how much they appreciated my time and efforts. It was so sweet to see this man making sure he knew exactly what to do so he could set it up for his wife. Nothing overly complicated or meaningful to us youngins.... but to him it was so important to get it right!

I've been in my job long enough to know that these customers are few and far between, and I could almost guarantee that tomorrow I'll have a meltdown worthy experience... but I'll still put on my smile and charm for every person I serve, and do my job to that standard I set myself! Because at the end of the day, it is just a job. No one goes out expecting a life changing experience from their sales assistant! I don't set out to to offer life changing experiences.... but if I can simply do something that makes someone smile and leaves me knowing that I've done everything I can for them, then I'm happy.

So you see, I'm not always a negative Nelly. I can see the good in life. It's just so much easier for everyone to find the faults and dwell on them, and exaggerate them! I've had a lot of bad stuff happen, but I can still find a reason to smile. I choose to be happy. I choose to look for the good in the world. There are amazing things going on around every single one of us, every single day! So next time you're feeling like the world is against you, take a second to look around you and find a way to smile :)

What made you smile today? xx

 

But then I spent so many nights thinking how you did me wrong, and I grew strong

Tomorrow marks 3 years since my life epically went to shit.
It's a date I hadn't really bothered committing to memory. It was always just "the end of May" But when my lawyer asked a few weeks ago what the actual date was, I had to work it out. So this year, we're marking the occasion. We're celebrating my "single-versary"!
Definitely not something I would have thought I would be celebrating.... But to see how far I've come, and all I've done in that time, I think I'm worthy of the celebrations.

So now I give you, in no particular order (cos I never plan what I'm going to write, it just comes out!) a list of achievements worth celebrating.

1. I'm still standing! That's right, I didn't fall in a heap and give up! No matter how many times I wanted to. All the alcohol and tears and swearing got me through some really dark patches, so cheers guys! But even more importantly, the amazing support I've had from family and friends has kept me upright and moving forwards. Slowly at times, but forward nonetheless.

2. I've provided for my babies. I've kept us fed, clothed and sheltered. I've stayed on top of bills and I haven't had to sell my soul to do it! I did consider selling a kidney at one point, but things didn't get that bad. I haven't done it completely alone - I've had some cash donations from family members, but they've gone straight to my home loan. The day to day budgeting has all been me.

3. I've learned what's really important to my life. It's been hard, cos I've never been particularly confident or outspoken (besides in my family, they'll back that up) but I've learnt to let go of some things that just weren't good for me. I've changed my perspective on life and realised what's worth putting energy into.

4. I've raised 2 pretty freaking awesome kids! They are smart and funny and loving and incredibly resilient little humans. Despite their negative attributes and their ability to drive me bat-fucking-shit crazy within 3 seconds of waking up, they are absolutely the best things that have ever happened to my life. They are my life. They've kept me going.

5. I've accepted that I can't do everything alone. That I can ask for help, and the people who love me will be there for me any time of day. Needing people doesn't make you weak, it makes you human. It's ok to have limits and knowing them is incredibly helpful!

Ok this list is getting a bit deep... it wasn't meant to be this serious.... so, other things I've done since becoming the CEO of my life....

Joined a gym
Smashed all sorts of PBs at said gym
Made amazing friends and memories at same gym
Been camping with awesome friends - including setting up and packing up my own tent
Been the sole driver on trips to mum's (600ish KM each way)
Drank so much alcohol that I vomited... (yep, sure mum will be proud of me for that one!)
Worked out how to program the irrigation system
Changed my insurance policies and saved money in doing so
Didn't freak out in major weather events
Changed washers on taps, successfully stopping drips

 So as you can clearly see, my life is just non-stop action-packed excitement! Somehow, the biggest shit storm has actually given me a life I could never have dreamed of: a life I'm loving!

Thanks for being part of this crazy journey wherever you jumped on board.

Do you ever feel like a plastic bag

Strange title right? Strange lyric, or so I thought. Until I looked up the lines that followed. Katy Perry is not in my list of top ten favourite artists, not even my top 20... but this song, these words, they describe my life so perfectly! That feeling of lacking control, of no idea what’s going on or where you’ll end up... but there’s a fire deep inside that won’t go out. And it pushes you on. And the more oxygen you give it, the more fiercely it burns! That’s me. I’m stubborn. I’m determined. I’m fierce. I am the fucking fire! So even though the last few weeks have been getting me down, I know that I will come out the other side and I’ll be ok.

Last week I thought there was actually a light at the end of this long, dark, shitty tunnel... but it turned out to be just another fucking train hurtling towards me! We FINALLY heard back from his lawyers, after 6 weeks... turns out he’s changed lawyers, so maybe these ones will get shit done! I thought finally this will all be over. But no, he had only signed one of the two documents needed, and they both have to be done at the same time... obviously poor instruction from the previous lawyer... so now that’s all had to be sent back to him AGAIN! Anyway, I thought no biggie, just a few signatures and we’re done. Of course the next day I got an email from the bank saying I only have a month left till the loan application runs out.... which means if it’s not all settled by then, I need to reapply. And possibly have my house valued again.... I don’t think being approved again will be a problem, but that’s not really the point.

So I’m still sitting here waiting. Trying not to freak out over things I can’t control. Having minor panic attacks over having to pack my crap and move out if I can’t afford my house anymore. Being so overwhelmed by everything again that I just can’t get started on anything that would be helpful. Bingeing on chocolate and Netflix again. Yelling at my kids for getting into mischief cos I’m too distracted to properly supervise them. Then telling myself I’m a crappy parent.... but a crappy parent wouldn’t have ended up in my situation. I’m in a crappy situation cos I’m a good parent! Go figure...

While I’m not going to get any of my cleaning or cooking done today, I am still going to end the day with our traditional Saturday movie night. And I will pay attention to the movie! Tomorrow is a new day and a new chance to make some progress. Even if that means just finding the coffee table under the toy pile.... a step forward is still better than sitting still! 

When reality is due

I’ve been MIA lately... processing... coming to terms with more bullshit. Just another bunch of lies that made up my former life. At this point, I’m not even sure the person I married used his real name... that’s how much he’s lied and deceived and manipulated me. And it sucks! What’s worse is that I didn’t even find this information out from him. Or even his family (I highly doubt they even know to be honest...)  but when your best friend tells you they can’t keep secrets from you, you know why they’re still part of your life! I guess it’s no longer any of my business what he does or who he does it with. But that doesn’t make it any less of a kick in the guts.

I accepted a little while ago that my happily ever after was just a fairy tale. That no matter what I told myself, it never should have been. It might sound harsh to others, but I need to admit that my relationship wasn’t based on love. It was weakness. I was too afraid to be alone. I didn’t want to be “left on the shelf” I thought if I didn’t marry that guy, I’d be alone forever.... and he knew that all I ever wanted was the family dream - the house, the kids, the dog. I convinced myself I could make it work. Even when we broke up a few times before getting married. Even though I knew he wasn’t entirely honest about some things. I thought I could overlook it and change him.... And I really did learn to love him and us for what we had. I committed to something and I was going to stick with it and make it work. I wasn’t planning on getting what I wanted and taking off. But turns out it was all a lie anyway.

So who duped who?!

Him.

He took advantage of my vulnerability and my insecurity. He was the understanding, comforting, caring boyfriend/husband who looked past all my self doubt and uncertainty. He made me believe that I could be loved.

I know what you’re gonna say - of course you are loved! You deserve love and you have so many people who love you! And I know that. Now I see that every day. The people who truly love me and care about me and respect me how I am. But old Cathee didn’t. She needed validation from others. She couldn’t do things alone. She was too afraid to say “hey I don’t accept this treatment, I deserve better!”

But look at me now! This whole shitty journey has taught me so much about mysel. To back myself. To trust myself. To just BE myself! To love myself. To walk away from things that don’t make me happy (the exception being work, cos you know, bills 😂)

I’d love to wrap this up with some life changing advice or amazing revelation, but sadly we all just need to learn to accept things in our own time.

So much for my happy ending

I really struggled with a title for this post! I’m still not sure if it will change again before I publish it...   I wasn’t sure calling it bitchy, ranty scream fest was quite right haha! But that’s kind of what it’s going to be!!

As I’ve mentioned before, I’ve been separated for almost 3 years now. Well August last year I finally got around to getting a lawyer to make all the property stuff offical and, well, legal. It had been agreed from the beginning that I would keep the house and I didn’t have to buy his share out. I just got the house and the associated debt. That hasn’t changed. It’s still happening. It’s just taking for-fucking-ever!! I don’t know how it can be so difficult to just sign your name!! Oh no, “my client wants this word changed” like seriously?! I needed to google the bloody word to find out what it meant! Oh and guess what, contemporaneously just means at the same time... so simultaneously couldn’t have been used? Or you know, the sentence could have been left how it was!

I’ve had my new loan approved for 3 months now and I keep getting emails from the bank asking if I’ve got the legal paperwork yet. How many times can I reply with “still waiting” ?? I’m still paying my current loan so I guess at least my new one will end up being a bit less by the time it actually takes effect... but that’s not the point! He knows I’ve been and sorted that out, so the change of wording mentioned above is pretty much pointless for either of us. I’m sure his lawyer is loving the $$ though... I get the feeling they are as much a hold up in this process as he is. Maybe if they spent more time doing legal work than they do on cheesy Facebook posts this could get sorted...

It seems Mr “I’ll do whatever I can to make it easier for you and the kids” thought I’d just do nothing so now he has to be Mr difficult. And really, he has no right to that. He’s the one that epically screwed up our lives! He’s the one that did all the dumb things. He’s the one that dug himself this hole. I’ve been far nicer than I could have been. And now I’ve had enough! I respond to my lawyer within 24 hours of any correspondence, and I know that they pass it on quickly too. Because they know that I just want this sorted. They know I’m not loaded and I can’t afford to pay them forever... I’m not entirely sure how he’s funding this expedition either, given child support agency assessed him as only having to pay me less than $10 PER WEEK....

It’s so sad that someone who was meant to love me and be beside me forever is now a complete stranger. That I have no idea what to expect or to believe from him because he is not predictable and he is not true to his word. I just want to yell at him!! To make him realise all the damage that he’s done. HIM. His choices. His actions. But he seems incapable of accepting that.
Of course I can be a totally unreasonable, over reactive, psycho cow at times. And he knows that. But that is so not the case here. I’m standing up for myself and my babies.

So if you happen to communicate with my ex-husband, please tell him to stop being a dick!


PS, I did change the title.
It was called “it’s something unpredictable, but in the end is right”

It’s all about the price tag

We like to think that life is about more than money, but there’s not a whole lot you can do without a regular income. 

In the words of Silverchair - you say that money isn’t everything, well I’d like to see you live without it. 

Or ABBA - all the things I could do, if I had a little money...

The thing I’ve learnt (and my mum always said) the more you have, the more you spend! I didn’t realise quite how true it was until I went from a double income family to a single one. Obviously I couldn’t spend the money if I didn’t have it, but I’m also not starving or behind on my bills on the much smaller budget I now have. (He paid more in tax than what my gross annual income was!)

I’m very fortunate to live in a country that helps single parents out with payments, and while I could not continue my lifestyle on Centrelink payments alone, the extra it gives me keeps us from going without necessities. I do have “luxury” items like my personal training and private health insurance, and I still let the kids get a happy meal once a week, but I’ve had to control that impulse buying urge a lot. Weighing up how much I want something vs if I need it... and trying to teach my kids the same - We can’t have everything we want all the time. You appreciate the value of things more when you earn them... But I hate being that mum that says 'not today, we don't have enough money'. I try really hard not to say that because it's not really their concern, but sometimes I do need to remind them that money doesn't grow on trees! Then just when I think I have enough 'left over' for something fun, I get hit with something like mould in my car.... Yeah ok, I did splurge and get a tattoo that wasn't cheap... but I didn't stop feeding my family to do it. 

I see this phrase a lot. And it's true. What's the point of living if all you're doing is paying bills? I'm paying off a house, but I can't afford to do anything to it. I have plans, it needs jazzing up a bit. But then I'm hardly home anyway. Yes keeping the house was my choice. We could have sold it and had a bit of cash, but I didn't want to add anymore chaos to my kids' lives. I'm incredibly lucky to have had help from family to keep my mortgage in credit, and that's always in the back of my mind when I decide to spend a lot of money on anything "what will mum say?" I'm 35 and still worried what my my will say.... but it's out of respect. She's by no means loaded, but she's never let us go without. And even though I tell her I'm not her responsibility, she didn't put me in this situation, she still insists that's she's my mum and it's what she should do. 

I don't want to sound ungrateful, or completely destitute, cos I'm not. It's just frustrating sometimes. I feel like I'm going round in circles, and for what? I'm paying a lawyer to sort out the legal stuff (I know right?), and that's been dragging on for way longer than necessary, which means spending more money than necessary....  when the other party is making things difficult for no real reason other than he can? I don't know. But then again, it turns out not a lot of what I knew about him was true anyway. 

I could sit here and waffle on all night about how 'unfair' things are. But it wont change them! I've just got to keep looking forward and putting one foot in front of the other. I know that things will get better, because I know that I'm a fighter and when I want something bad enough, I make it happen!

Life hacks, from an experienced procrastinator

I've been doing this single mum gig for almost 3 years now, and it sure has not been a walk in the park! Even Jurassic Park would be easier.... Over the last 2 months (yep, it has actually only been that long) I've had to readjust to doing things for myself since my sister-wife went back home. I think I'm finally getting the hang of it. I've even managed to clean my house twice this month!! Well I say house, I mean the lounge and dining area. Pretty much everything else can have the door closed and bam the mess is gone! (not endorsed or approved by bam, please don't sue me) 

This brings me to life hack number 1.
Don't be pedantic about keeping your house clean! Kids live here, it's meant to be messy. Accept that the little monsters will trash the joint in a tenth of the time it takes you to make it picture perfect. 
Alternatively, you could probably not let the mess pile up for weeks on end.... if you do a quick pick up and sweep every night after they go to bed, you'll get a chance to admire your handiwork. Make sure to instagram that! 

Life hack number 2.
Reuse your dishes during the day! Don't get a new cup every time you make coffee, rinse it out in the morning and it's good to go again for the afternoon. Same goes for plates. I use Norwex (I also sell it if you're interested in more info...) so I know a quick wipe over with my kitchen cloth is all I need. You could also ditch the use of crockery and cutlery, especially if your kids are like mine and just use their hands anyway. 

Life hack number 3.
Wash the dishes while you bath the kids. Obviously not in the same water... Mine are 5 & 7 and cannot be quiet in the bath, so I know they're alive. Usually the whole neighbourhood knows when they're in the bath.... We generally have dinner, bath, bed so I like to make the most of my evening by not spending it at the sink! I could probably save even more time by just feeding the kids in the tub then hosing them off.... 

Life hack number 4.
Do the washing at night. Every night. Or at least every second. Don't let it pile up!! This is usually done after getting the kids in the bath and before washing the dishes. I have a highset house with a washing line underneath so there's no tripping over airing racks or going outside in the dark. 
My super efficient laundry hack is hanging each person's clothes together on the line. Then when I take it down I fold as I go and distribute the piles to their owners. 

Life hack number 5.
Make lunches at night. This is one I haven't been doing lately, but I need to start again. Not that my kids can decide on what they want for lunch that far in advance anyway. I do my meal prep on weekends and have a freezer full of containers I can choose from. Makes lunch and dinner so much easier! 

Life hack number 6.
Online grocery shopping!! This one is my biggest life saver. I've never liked doing the groceries. I always get way too much that isn't necessary (the 2 for $5 offers always get me! I don't need any Tim Tams, but I'll take 2 for $5) Dragging 2 uncooperative kids around the supermarket is painful and I lose my shit at least once very trip. So now I do my order online Thursday night and pick it up on the way home Friday night. Then I have the whole weekend free! I still end up at the supermarket once or twice a week for extra milk or fruit, but I can usually manage to duck in after work before picking up the kids. I don't really know if it's saving me any money, but it's definitely saving my sanity. 

These are just some of the things that have been helping me survive life at the moment. They may not work for everyone else, you might have better systems in place to make things work for you. But if you think my ideas could help you out, give it a crack! Feel free to share any of your own life hacks too :)

I guess this is growing up

On the weekend I celebrated another trip around the sun. Another year closer to retirement. Another year of being me. I can’t say I feel any older, or wiser... but if I sit and think about it for a bit, there are actually a few things I’ve learned that are worth sharing. 

You know that quote “it’s not about counting the years, but making the years count”? Yeah well that’s true. You might not think it at the time, but when you look back on your camera roll and see the things you did and the people you shared your time with, you’ll understand. I take so many photos of my kids (they’re funny and cute and I love sharing their craziness with everyone!) and every time I look back at them I’m filled with love and happiness. They may have been doing something naughty (but obviously I needed evidence) but it still sparks a memory that makes me smile. They love looking at their photos and videos too, especially the Facebook memories from when they were babies. We may not go on fancy holidays (although they keep bugging me to go on a cruise!) or eat out at expensive restaurants. We don’t wear designer clothes, hell I can barely get them to wear ANY clothes! But we have fun. We are a family that love each other and I bust my ass to give them a good life. So when they tell me I’m the best mumma ever, I know they truly believe that. 

Another thing I’ve been working on accepting is making my own happiness. I am more than capable of taking on the challenges of life, and I’m worthy of my own happiness! I love to laugh and smile and share that with others, so it’s only fair I do that for myself too. I don’t need a new car to make me happy. I don’t need a rich boyfriend, or a hot boyfriend, or actually, any boyfriend to complete my life. I’m smart and strong and independent!! I don’t think many guys would actually be worthy of this hot mess anyway ;) I’m busy finding things that make me happy and give me enjoyment. Things that help me be ok with being me. In the words of Vanessa Amorossi - “I spent years really hating me, longing to be friends, now I hope that you can understand, this is who I am” 

Following on from that, don’t settle! Don’t say you’re ok with something if you’re not. Don’t let someone treat you crappy if you don’t like it. Cos if you keep letting them do it, they’ll keep doing it! Know your worth. You deserve to be treated like the majestic fucking unicorn you are! Whether it’s partners, family, friends or workplaces, don’t be taken for granted. I’m not saying you should be an asshole back to everyone, but stand up for you. Make the choice to make a change. Don’t be afraid to cut people off. If they aren’t adding value to your life, they’re probably adding drama. You don’t need that. 

It’s ok to take time out for yourself. You’re not a bottomless jar of Nutella, you can’t make everyone happy all the time! You need to take a day here and there to regroup. To get your head back in the game. Recharge your batteries, fill your cup and dance around in your underwear (trust me, your favourite playlist and comfy undies do wonders for your soul). Don’t feel guilty for not having it all together, all the time. You’re a person, not a robot. 

Ask for help! It’s ok. Anyone who truly cares about you won’t let you fall. 

Know who’s got your back. Don’t believe the ones who say it, believe the ones who show it! 

And most importantly, love!! Sprinkle that glitter everywhere you go! It doesn’t matter if your heart’s been broken, love again. It doesn’t matter if people don’t love you back, or in the same way, love them anyway. Don’t let the harshness in this world turn your heart to stone. Smile at a stranger, pat a dog, drop some coins in a charity box, help a mum with a screaming child. Whatever it is you do, it may just change someone’s whole day. 

People are jerks

Vaccines. Oh and autism.

Yep, that old gem! It's a topic everyone likes to weigh in on, and the wrong people think they're knowledgeable about! I don't read a lot of news, or news-type things that get shared around on facebook, but apparently some footballer's wife is charging people $200 each to hear her tell them why vaccines are bad? I don't even really know what I read, I couldn't get my head around the stupidity. Why anyone would pay that amount of money to hear an opinion is beyond me. She's not a doctor, she's not a pharmacist, she's not a scientist, she's just someone with enough 'celebrity pull' to get picked up by the media for their crazy ideas! 

Oh BTW, this is all just my OPINION. I haven't researched it in depth, but I'm happy to tell you more about it for $200 a head! 

Anyway, the thing about this whole vaccines are bad thing, is that people get so up in arms about it 'causing autism'.... which was disproved by science (go google it!)... how much of an asshole are you if you'd rather your kid DIE from a preventable disease, than possibly have some form of Autistic Spectrum Disorder?! Think about it. Really think about it.... You decide you want a child. You might take months or even years to make that happen. But then you decide you only want them if they have no "abnormalities"?? You'd rather risk that child you waited so long for, DYING than have a "disorder" 

Of course no one says "I hope my baby has a disorder or abnormality that will make their life difficult because people are assholes" We all hope for the 'perfect baby'. But it's our job as parents to do everything we can to keep our kids safe and healthy. And if they happen to have a diagnosis or 'label' of some sort, then we do whatever it takes to understand them and accommodate them and their needs in our lives. 

I'm going through this now with Mr 5. Last year his kindy was concerned he was showing Autistic behaviours and pushing me to have him assessed. At first I was pretty defiant! I didn't want anyone saying there was something 'wrong' with my child... Hasn't my family been through enough? Do I really need another thing to worry about? Maybe he's just not coping with life! I couldn't say I'd noticed a lot of the things they were saying... so then I started to question myself. Am I really that preoccupied that I don't even know my own child is 'different'...
I know it's not that something is wrong with him, it's just that he operates differently. He is how he is, and I'm used to that. He's still my beautiful baby boy and I love him quirks and all. The one thing I definitely wasn't thinking is "gee I never should have had him vaccinated!" 

This year starting school has been hard for him, and we're on a waiting list for an OT. He was observed by a few professional services last year and, they think that yes there are some different needs there. But more likely some sensory type needs. I'd love to find some strategies that work with him. He's very stubborn (no idea where he get that I swear) and he likes to take his time doing things. It has to be on his terms or there's a meltdown. What I don't want is a label!! If it helps him to focus and learn then that's great, but if it's just an adjective to put after his name, then no thanks! I want to be able to explain his behaviours not excuse them.

Again this is just my opinion, but there seems to be a lot of kids with 'labels' who are not helped to live with their needs. It's just a case for the too hard basket. 'Oh well little Timmy has ADHD so we can't do anything about it' Obviously not everyone is like that. 

I'm not a flawless parent. I get it wrong. Often! But I love my babies more than anything in this world and I'd do anything to keep them safe, happy and healthy. And judging from Miss 7's teacher interview yesterday, I have to say I'm dong a pretty fucking amazing job!

Sunshine after the rain

Today I felt like I had my shit together! Yay me!

We were organised and ready for school on time with relatively little screaming. I even mucked around with the kids while they were getting dressed. No one was crying when I left school. Mr 5 even carried his own lunch bag into the classroom! 

I had an appointment at 3:30 then gym at 4:30 so I had to have snacks ready to take with us. Quickly came home from work to get changed before getting the kids from school. We made it to the chiropractor with time to spare, they played nicely in the waiting area and picked up the toys without much persuasion when it was time to go. We got to the gym early so I actually had time to do my "weekly" measurements! Smashed my workout then got the kids their happy meals, as promised (I cooked my own chicken and chips). Let them watch TV while I had a shower and ate my dinner, then suddenly it was 8pm and they hadn't had baths... but we made that a bit of a game and got ready for bed without arguing. Even though it was almost 9pm by the time I left big girl's room, I wasn't stressing and cranky. Probably cos it's Friday... They won't sleep in tomorrow though!

I have plans to get this dump of a house cleaned up over the weekend. And I will actually do it! It looks like a major bender happened here... for a month... there's probably a random stoner sleeping on my couch and I don't even know! (It's ok, I'm joking, I'd know!) 
Even though I know the ratbags will mess it all up in no time, it needs to be done. We need to start some new habits and declutter our lives. I don't want them to grow up without responsibility or respect for their things. They have too much "stuff" and they just don't appreciate it, because they don't have to earn it. They aren't given everything they ask for, but they do have a lot more than I ever had as a kid. Maybe that's because of the cheap throw away world we live in, and maybe it's because I don't want them to feel "poor" like I did. And maybe I'm just trying to make up for the shit they've been through. 

Miss 7 did learn a valuable lesson the other day. Her tablet had been left in a back pack on the floor... of course I'd told her several times to pick it up or it would get broken... well, guess what was broken.... the tablet of course! Screen is shot. Looks like it was dropped or stood on.... she was beside herself "I love the tablet and now I can't play my games" "I'm sorry I've wasted your money mummy" It was a cheap and nasty tablet so it's not the end of the world. Surprisingly I didn't even get mad!! But I did take the opportunity to do the "that's why I told you not to leave it on the floor" speech.... let's see if it has any lasting effects!

So somehow my shitty start to the week turned out to be not so bad in the grand scheme of things. It usually goes that way - I let things build up to cyclonic proportions, shit gets thrown everywhere, then the sun comes out and I get on with my life. (that metaphor was gonna be so much cooler...) 
My point is, you can't stay down forever. There's good and bad, highs and lows with everything in life. You can choose to sit on the pity train and go round in circles, or you can make a change. Change is never easy. It's scary! But being stuck somewhere that you're just not happy is not living!

Just breathe

I have been feeling incredibly overwhelmed lately. I can feel myself circling the drain - you know like when you pull the plug in the bath, the water swirls round and round but eventually, inevitably, it goes down the drain. Well that’s me. And I have these moments a few times a year. I can feel them coming, and I try to ignore it, push it away, pretend I’m fine... but I know I’m not. Then the meltdown happens.

If you’ve been following along online, or in real life, you’ll know that I have my 2 beautiful kids 100% of the time, on my own. You’ll also know that they are far from perfect little angels! I swear some days they have a competition to see who can piss me off first... I honestly wouldn’t put it past them, Mr 5 wants to be ‘an evil genius’ when he grows up FFS!!! Anyway, being ‘it’ all the time is so draining! Trying to give them a good life without making them ungrateful, spoilt jerks... teaching them manners and patients and boundaries while being sympathetic to the trauma they’ve faced.... it’s hard. And I know it’s hard for them too. Mummy always yelling and making demands....

This weekend I tried to be a fun mum and take them out to the museum for science activities. They had a great time! But as usual, they couldn’t contain themselves and listening went out the window. And when you’re already feeling crappy about yourself and life, then your kids muck around in public and you worry every single person thinks you’re a shit parent... well that really ruins the day. By the end of Sunday I was crying myself to sleep. I just couldn’t deal with it anymore. I didn’t care if I didn’t wake up the next day. I just didn’t want to face the shit any longer.

So when Monday morning rolled around and it’s the same old “I don’t want to go to school” “I don’t know what I want for breakfast” “I can’t find my library book” “GET IN THE DAMN CAR!” I was already done with the day by 8am. Mr 5 sat on the path and refused to walk in, so I had to cart him in under my arm... Trying to leave the waiting area at school and both kids crack the sands and want me to stay. There’s hugging and crying and begging and pleading.... Thankfully one of their teachers came along and took them on a mission with her! (Remind me to buy her wine!)
I made it out the school gates with tears in my eyes, then lost it in the car. I rang work and I said “I’m not coming. My kids are arseholes. I can’t cope with life” And my amazing workplace just went with it. Told me to let them know how I was going later in the day.

I drove home crying. Went upstairs, got out of my work clothes and cried my little heart out. Then I had a 2 hour nap and I felt a little better. Watched some TV. Made some food. Even picked up some of the kids toys! But mostly I was just ‘me’. I wasn’t mum. I wasn’t doing anything for anyone else. I was just doing what I felt like. Later on I talked to my boss (she hates being called that, and I know you’re reading this :p) and I changed my work hours a bit. Starting a little later in the hopes of avoid that morning rush and insanity. Ideally I’d love them to just keep paying me while I stay home on the couch.... but didn’t want to push it.

Later that night I had a looooong chat with one of the most amazing friends I have (she’s very logical and wise and makes me see sense. She’s also more than likely reading this :p) and she made me realise that I’m putting the pressure on myself. I’m expecting myself to be super woman. I’m not giving me a break! My kids are fed and clothed and loved. They go to school every day, they’re super smart (too smart!), they know right from wrong and they are actually pretty amazing little humans.

So I just need to cut myself some slack, pick my battles and breathe! Things don’t always go the way we think they should. Life doesn’t follow our plan. There are always going to be things that we can’t control. But in the end, it’ll be ok. If it’s not ok, it’s not the end.

Why I need wine...

It’s no secret that I like my wine! I have a glass beside me right now - but you’re not surprised by that fact are you... What may surprise you is that I don’t need wine for my witty comebacks and funky dance moves! Oh no, they are aaaaalll me! Why I really need wine is because I suck at being an adult. My mum would say that’s a cop out, no one NEEDS wine... and maybe she’s right. I don’t NEED it! But there’s plenty of things that make me want to crack a bottle open and pour it down my throat. No need for glasses, that makes unnecessary washing up! And I’m not planning on leaving any in the bottle....

So my reasons:
1. Being an adult is hard! You have to make decisions and be responsible and set an example for your kids. And feed your kids. And remember that you have kids....

2. Said kids are jerks! Like are those flappy things on the side of their heads just ornamental?! When does the listening and responding accordingly kick in?

3. Housework! Seriously, how many people are living in my house without my knowledge?! There are waaaaay too many cups in the sink for just 3 of us. Especially since the little punks never even drink from cups!

4. I’m bored. I know, wine!

5. I’m watching TV, better get some wine...

6. Just mowed the lawn, better celebrate with a wine.

7. Having dinner with friends, obviously involves wine.

8. I know it’s in the fridge.... I can hear it calling me! You can’t ignore the wine.

9. My kid got in trouble at school. Again. I don’t know how to help him, so I’ll just drink some wine and pretend there’s no problem!

10. Work was hard. Customers are so needy! Maybe we should serve wine in the lunch room, surely it could only make the day better...

11. It’s Friday!! Or Sunday, or well, any day really! Who even needs a reason?

I’m sure I could come up with any number of other reasons if I sat here long enough. But you get it - I like wine! Wine doesn’t answer back. Or ask questions. Or tell lies. Wine just comforts me and understands me.

What made you wine today?

All or Nothing

I have two settings - OCD or CBF! That's just how I've always been. It's either bust my arse for the best, or don't give a shit. And when you push yourself to do the best you can on something (let's say a school project), and it doesn't turn out great (or get the grade you hoped for), it's disheartening. When that same thing keeps happening - the result you think you deserve isn't the result you get - well you kinda just stop caring... At least if you don't put in any effort then you know why you failed right? It's no great let down cos you couldn't possibly expect a great result without trying! I pretty much cruised through school till about grade 10. Then when I actually had to work HARD to get good grades, I didn't like it.... 

Luckily I've since learned that the effort and hard work it takes to achieve something actually makes the result mean something. It means something TO ME. It's not about impressing someone else, or being praised or getting the top grade. It's about that internal sense of fulfillment. That "Yay me!" Knowing how much I worked/struggled/sacrificed/stressed to get to that goal. I still love it when other people notice my achievements and tell me I'm amazing (seriously who doesn't?) and yeah I'm gonna instagram the hell out of my guns, cos I love them! I worked for them! I suffered for them! Not so much that I'd give up the TimTams I'm currently eating.... but you get my drift. It's ok to be proud of yourself and to want to share that achievement with others. It's not being arrogant or attention seeking or thinking you're better than someone else, it's acknowledging your own strength. If others see it as anything else then they have the problem! 

When I started writing this it was going to be about the CBF side of things... mostly how shit my house looks... constantly....But I'll save that for another time. It's still gonna look just as bad tomorrow!

I'm gonna continue on the gym training strong lady story instead! 

Anyone who has known me any great length of time will know that physical activity is not my forte. I don't do sports. I get sunburn way too easily. My fat legs rub together... Any excuse to not move really! But then this really massive truth bomb dropped and it shattered my life into oblivion. Nothing was as it was before, and it could never be repaired. Everything was taken out of my control and I was just floating through the days in a haze. I needed to take control of something in my life. I wanted to be distracted from the million thoughts swirling in my mind on constant replay. If I was going to feel pain, it might as well be physical. And be good for me! 

So I found a gym close to my house. They had free creche for the kiddies and they were so friendly and welcoming! I started out doing bootcamps and honestly thought I was going to die on the first day... running, jumping, push ups, struggling to breathe.... but by the end of it I actually wanted to go back! In that short (ok ridiculously long!) hour, something clicked and I thought "I can do this!" and really, what did I have to lose?? That was 2.5 years ago and I'm proud to say I didn't just join a gym, I joined a family! I've made so many amazing, beautiful friends there, and everyone just wants the best for each other. We also do some pretty crazy and fun activities too! 

I did lose the motivation a few times. The effort of getting up early and putting on pants, or going out again after work, again having to put on pants... After one of those slumps I tried the group PT sessions. And that's when I really stepped it up. Lifting weights is amazing for your mind! It totally changed my perspective on things. Instead of always thinking "it's too hard" "I can't do that" "what if I fail" I started being more open to trying. More positive towards life. I can now deadlift 100kg and squat 90kg so I just say "hey life, bring it!" 

That's not to say things are always easy now.... there's still a lot of CBF moments.... but I know I've got this fire inside me that can't be put out, no matter how hard anyone tries.