But then I spent so many nights thinking how you did me wrong, and I grew strong

Tomorrow marks 3 years since my life epically went to shit.
It's a date I hadn't really bothered committing to memory. It was always just "the end of May" But when my lawyer asked a few weeks ago what the actual date was, I had to work it out. So this year, we're marking the occasion. We're celebrating my "single-versary"!
Definitely not something I would have thought I would be celebrating.... But to see how far I've come, and all I've done in that time, I think I'm worthy of the celebrations.

So now I give you, in no particular order (cos I never plan what I'm going to write, it just comes out!) a list of achievements worth celebrating.

1. I'm still standing! That's right, I didn't fall in a heap and give up! No matter how many times I wanted to. All the alcohol and tears and swearing got me through some really dark patches, so cheers guys! But even more importantly, the amazing support I've had from family and friends has kept me upright and moving forwards. Slowly at times, but forward nonetheless.

2. I've provided for my babies. I've kept us fed, clothed and sheltered. I've stayed on top of bills and I haven't had to sell my soul to do it! I did consider selling a kidney at one point, but things didn't get that bad. I haven't done it completely alone - I've had some cash donations from family members, but they've gone straight to my home loan. The day to day budgeting has all been me.

3. I've learned what's really important to my life. It's been hard, cos I've never been particularly confident or outspoken (besides in my family, they'll back that up) but I've learnt to let go of some things that just weren't good for me. I've changed my perspective on life and realised what's worth putting energy into.

4. I've raised 2 pretty freaking awesome kids! They are smart and funny and loving and incredibly resilient little humans. Despite their negative attributes and their ability to drive me bat-fucking-shit crazy within 3 seconds of waking up, they are absolutely the best things that have ever happened to my life. They are my life. They've kept me going.

5. I've accepted that I can't do everything alone. That I can ask for help, and the people who love me will be there for me any time of day. Needing people doesn't make you weak, it makes you human. It's ok to have limits and knowing them is incredibly helpful!

Ok this list is getting a bit deep... it wasn't meant to be this serious.... so, other things I've done since becoming the CEO of my life....

Joined a gym
Smashed all sorts of PBs at said gym
Made amazing friends and memories at same gym
Been camping with awesome friends - including setting up and packing up my own tent
Been the sole driver on trips to mum's (600ish KM each way)
Drank so much alcohol that I vomited... (yep, sure mum will be proud of me for that one!)
Worked out how to program the irrigation system
Changed my insurance policies and saved money in doing so
Didn't freak out in major weather events
Changed washers on taps, successfully stopping drips

 So as you can clearly see, my life is just non-stop action-packed excitement! Somehow, the biggest shit storm has actually given me a life I could never have dreamed of: a life I'm loving!

Thanks for being part of this crazy journey wherever you jumped on board.

Do you ever feel like a plastic bag

Strange title right? Strange lyric, or so I thought. Until I looked up the lines that followed. Katy Perry is not in my list of top ten favourite artists, not even my top 20... but this song, these words, they describe my life so perfectly! That feeling of lacking control, of no idea what’s going on or where you’ll end up... but there’s a fire deep inside that won’t go out. And it pushes you on. And the more oxygen you give it, the more fiercely it burns! That’s me. I’m stubborn. I’m determined. I’m fierce. I am the fucking fire! So even though the last few weeks have been getting me down, I know that I will come out the other side and I’ll be ok.

Last week I thought there was actually a light at the end of this long, dark, shitty tunnel... but it turned out to be just another fucking train hurtling towards me! We FINALLY heard back from his lawyers, after 6 weeks... turns out he’s changed lawyers, so maybe these ones will get shit done! I thought finally this will all be over. But no, he had only signed one of the two documents needed, and they both have to be done at the same time... obviously poor instruction from the previous lawyer... so now that’s all had to be sent back to him AGAIN! Anyway, I thought no biggie, just a few signatures and we’re done. Of course the next day I got an email from the bank saying I only have a month left till the loan application runs out.... which means if it’s not all settled by then, I need to reapply. And possibly have my house valued again.... I don’t think being approved again will be a problem, but that’s not really the point.

So I’m still sitting here waiting. Trying not to freak out over things I can’t control. Having minor panic attacks over having to pack my crap and move out if I can’t afford my house anymore. Being so overwhelmed by everything again that I just can’t get started on anything that would be helpful. Bingeing on chocolate and Netflix again. Yelling at my kids for getting into mischief cos I’m too distracted to properly supervise them. Then telling myself I’m a crappy parent.... but a crappy parent wouldn’t have ended up in my situation. I’m in a crappy situation cos I’m a good parent! Go figure...

While I’m not going to get any of my cleaning or cooking done today, I am still going to end the day with our traditional Saturday movie night. And I will pay attention to the movie! Tomorrow is a new day and a new chance to make some progress. Even if that means just finding the coffee table under the toy pile.... a step forward is still better than sitting still! 

When reality is due

I’ve been MIA lately... processing... coming to terms with more bullshit. Just another bunch of lies that made up my former life. At this point, I’m not even sure the person I married used his real name... that’s how much he’s lied and deceived and manipulated me. And it sucks! What’s worse is that I didn’t even find this information out from him. Or even his family (I highly doubt they even know to be honest...)  but when your best friend tells you they can’t keep secrets from you, you know why they’re still part of your life! I guess it’s no longer any of my business what he does or who he does it with. But that doesn’t make it any less of a kick in the guts.

I accepted a little while ago that my happily ever after was just a fairy tale. That no matter what I told myself, it never should have been. It might sound harsh to others, but I need to admit that my relationship wasn’t based on love. It was weakness. I was too afraid to be alone. I didn’t want to be “left on the shelf” I thought if I didn’t marry that guy, I’d be alone forever.... and he knew that all I ever wanted was the family dream - the house, the kids, the dog. I convinced myself I could make it work. Even when we broke up a few times before getting married. Even though I knew he wasn’t entirely honest about some things. I thought I could overlook it and change him.... And I really did learn to love him and us for what we had. I committed to something and I was going to stick with it and make it work. I wasn’t planning on getting what I wanted and taking off. But turns out it was all a lie anyway.

So who duped who?!

Him.

He took advantage of my vulnerability and my insecurity. He was the understanding, comforting, caring boyfriend/husband who looked past all my self doubt and uncertainty. He made me believe that I could be loved.

I know what you’re gonna say - of course you are loved! You deserve love and you have so many people who love you! And I know that. Now I see that every day. The people who truly love me and care about me and respect me how I am. But old Cathee didn’t. She needed validation from others. She couldn’t do things alone. She was too afraid to say “hey I don’t accept this treatment, I deserve better!”

But look at me now! This whole shitty journey has taught me so much about mysel. To back myself. To trust myself. To just BE myself! To love myself. To walk away from things that don’t make me happy (the exception being work, cos you know, bills 😂)

I’d love to wrap this up with some life changing advice or amazing revelation, but sadly we all just need to learn to accept things in our own time.