There's no load I can't hold, Road so rough this I know

Talk about 4 seasons in 1 day! I’m not sure what the emotional equivalent to that is, but I’ve had it today... my day started at 1:30am with Mr 5 vomiting in my bed 🤮 poor little dude had a buster yesterday arv and smacked his head so it was probably a delayed concussion... he was fine before and after the spew so I think he’s good. He was awake and coherent enough to ask for a bath so he could play with toys!! Cos that’s a priority at 1:30am... I’m actually glad it was in my bed instead of his though, because his bed and floor has that much stuff covering it I’d be washing things for a month! I’m sure this won’t be out last knock to the head... this kid should have come with a helmet!

When 7:30 rolls around I get up and make pancakes (yay Saturday!) kids are happy, I’m happy, everyone’s being nice and getting along! Then it’s time to get ready for my photo shoot I’ve been hanging out for for weeks!  I was super excited and organised. I’d made my own playlist, I had my props sorted and I had the absolute best time doing it!! So excited to see the end product! 

Left the kiddies at home with a friend while I went to do that and got home to find them all still alive and being nice to each other 😊 of course while we’re sitting there chatting the kids decide to get into paint downstairs... cue crazy, ranting mummy!! I did manage to control myself since we had company, but seriously, way to crash my high! 

Then I received some pretty sad news - my lovely babysitter had to cancel for this evening due to her grandma passing away. I feel so sad for her and her family and the fact that she was worried she’d let me down! Sure I’d been looking forward to going out, but I was also not feeling as excited as I had been... social gatherings still put me on edge. And even though it was with people I like (not something I HAD to do) I was still just feeling a bit anxious. But I had a friend organise a babysitter for both our kids, so I could have gone! Buuut I went for a nap and woke up feeling even less energetic and decided I’d just stay home and order pizza instead. 

Now the kids are in bed and I’m trying to decide what to do for the evening. I could continue playing Zelda - that’s what’s been keeping me up late all week! Or I could watch something... but I’ll probably spend 2 hrs searching then fall asleep anyway. Or I could wash the dishes... my whole house is a total disaster zone... it looks like there’s been an explosion then had a cyclone through it... and the thought of cleaning it up is so overwhelming that I just pretend I don’t care. Kids will only trash it again anyway 🤷🏼‍♀️ Or I could just go to bed and hope things will magically sort themselves out while I’m asleep. But I’ll lie there caught up in my own thoughts for hours. How do you stop your mind racing and wondering? There’s still so much up in the air for me....

My property settlement finally happened a few weeks ago so that’s one less worry! But now I’ve filed the court application for parenting orders... which means I will have to go to court at some point in the near future. All because someone believes that they can get supervised visits with the kids so won’t just agree to no contact. Like seriously dude?! Child safety and the police do not approve of contact and quite frankly nor do I! We’ve spent a long time getting used to life being just the 3 of us now. How much damage is going to be caused by suddenly getting to see someone for like an hour then they disappear again... and who’s gonna have to deal with that fallout? Me! It’s never him. All he has to think about is himself.... which is pretty evident from his behaviour anyway. 

And while I think it is HIGHLY unlikely any court would agree to any contact, it’s still a possibility. Albeit a very tiny one, but possible nonetheless. But before the court gets to make a decision there has to be a family report prepared by an independent psychologist. Which of course means more time, stress, and money. Thankfully I still have that loan from bank of Mum. 

So that’s just a little bit of what’s been on my mind lately... most days I seem to cycle through all the emotions. And sadly, the solution is not in the bottom of the Nutella jar! 

When you're ready to go, And your heart's left in doubt, Don't give up on your faith

I know, I know, Celine Dion for the title... whatever, I like that song! I like a lot of her songs actually. I like a lot of things that other people don’t. I don’t do “popular” or “bandwagons” I’m not into something cos it’s the cool new trend. I’m one of those people that would deliberately “hate” whatever was popular.... Back in high school - Hanson? Vomit! Harry Potter? What garbage. Leonardo Di Caprio? More like Leo Di CRAPrio! Yeah I was one of those people...

So what does that have to do with anything you may wonder? Well, being “different” in high school made you a target. Not being “cool” automatically made you a “loser” and when you hear things like that often enough you start to believe it. Well I did any way. I wasn’t like everyone else, I must be weird. I was always the “good kid” at school - always followed the rules, I did my homework, I let my friends copy my homework so they didn’t get in trouble! I was a bit of a suck up really.

But trying to be good at the same time as being hated for it, that was hard. That damn near broke me. By the time I decided I’d had enough of being who I thought everyone wanted me to be I flipped. I went full rebel! I was late to school every day (and I only lived across the street!) I didn’t do homework and assignments. I gave teachers attitude. I gave other kids my actual option of them... and well, it didn’t go down so well....

Ok Full rebel may have been an exaggeration, there’s worse things I could have done... but for me it was way out of character and something was wrong. So that’s when the good old school counsellor got involved. And honestly, that guy was a twat! Wasn’t very helpful. Did get me out of class though... and as a teenager who was depressed, I played that card! Obviously looking back now it’s not really something to be proud of. But people didn’t really know how to handle me.

Now here we are, 20 years later. Still an emotional time bomb. Still no idea what I’m doing half the time. Still having days where I’d rather not wake up. Ever. Still having days where everything is too hard and everything pisses me off. But thankfully those days have become less frequent and I know when I’m slipping. I’ve taken mental health days from work. I’m medicated. I have a psychologist. I have amazing family and friends. And I have this incredible fire inside me that refuses to go out!

The things I’ve been through in my life have been pretty crappy. Not only the last few years but several other events over time. And I have been ready to check out permanently on more than one occasion. But I can’t. No matter how hard it gets, I have so much to live for! I know when I’m feeling off and I know it’s ok. There’s nothing wrong with having hard days! Some people have more than others and that’s ok. Some people deal with them better than others and that’s ok too.

It is absolutely OK to be NOT OK!!

But you need to tell someone when you’re not ok. You have to find a way to be ok. Don’t keep a lid on it until it boils over!

You got this xx