When you're ready to go, And your heart's left in doubt, Don't give up on your faith

I know, I know, Celine Dion for the title... whatever, I like that song! I like a lot of her songs actually. I like a lot of things that other people don’t. I don’t do “popular” or “bandwagons” I’m not into something cos it’s the cool new trend. I’m one of those people that would deliberately “hate” whatever was popular.... Back in high school - Hanson? Vomit! Harry Potter? What garbage. Leonardo Di Caprio? More like Leo Di CRAPrio! Yeah I was one of those people...

So what does that have to do with anything you may wonder? Well, being “different” in high school made you a target. Not being “cool” automatically made you a “loser” and when you hear things like that often enough you start to believe it. Well I did any way. I wasn’t like everyone else, I must be weird. I was always the “good kid” at school - always followed the rules, I did my homework, I let my friends copy my homework so they didn’t get in trouble! I was a bit of a suck up really.

But trying to be good at the same time as being hated for it, that was hard. That damn near broke me. By the time I decided I’d had enough of being who I thought everyone wanted me to be I flipped. I went full rebel! I was late to school every day (and I only lived across the street!) I didn’t do homework and assignments. I gave teachers attitude. I gave other kids my actual option of them... and well, it didn’t go down so well....

Ok Full rebel may have been an exaggeration, there’s worse things I could have done... but for me it was way out of character and something was wrong. So that’s when the good old school counsellor got involved. And honestly, that guy was a twat! Wasn’t very helpful. Did get me out of class though... and as a teenager who was depressed, I played that card! Obviously looking back now it’s not really something to be proud of. But people didn’t really know how to handle me.

Now here we are, 20 years later. Still an emotional time bomb. Still no idea what I’m doing half the time. Still having days where I’d rather not wake up. Ever. Still having days where everything is too hard and everything pisses me off. But thankfully those days have become less frequent and I know when I’m slipping. I’ve taken mental health days from work. I’m medicated. I have a psychologist. I have amazing family and friends. And I have this incredible fire inside me that refuses to go out!

The things I’ve been through in my life have been pretty crappy. Not only the last few years but several other events over time. And I have been ready to check out permanently on more than one occasion. But I can’t. No matter how hard it gets, I have so much to live for! I know when I’m feeling off and I know it’s ok. There’s nothing wrong with having hard days! Some people have more than others and that’s ok. Some people deal with them better than others and that’s ok too.

It is absolutely OK to be NOT OK!!

But you need to tell someone when you’re not ok. You have to find a way to be ok. Don’t keep a lid on it until it boils over!

You got this xx