Cause nothing's going right, And everything's a mess, And no one likes to be alone

I’ve been kinda preoccupied recently. Being miserable and feeling sorry for myself. Moving around wondering “why me?!” I don’t know who I’ve pissed off or what they’re trying to teach me, but I’m done!! Surely if there was a God he (or she) wouldn’t be this cruel... I know I’m not a saint by any means, but I think I’m a pretty good person... I work hard, I love my family and my friends, I follow the law, I pay my taxes... and I have a fucking big heart!! It even comes with a pretty decent set of boobs on top! I’m a catch! Yet here I am, alone and sulking on the couch, eating my feelings for the 675th night in a row....

I know I’ve done a lot of amazing things on my own. I’ve had no choice. And I like things done a certain way (my way!) so I should be happy I don’t have someone folding the towels wrong and putting the toilet roll on upside down... but truth is, I need someone to love!! I’m a giver. I need someone to hold me and stroke my hair when I’m hangry. I need someone to cook for. Someone who appreciates actual food, not my ungrateful children who scream at me cos I cut the sandwich into triangles instead of fucking squares!! I need someone to share stupid jokes with that only we get...

Don’t get me wrong, I love those ungrateful, uncultured, screeching kids of mine more than anything on this earth!! But it’s not the same. I know they’ll love me no matter what. They tell me I’m the best mummy in the whole wide world and they never want to live with anyone else... and they do have some pretty interesting views on the world and solutions for problems... but it’s not the same!!

I’m not looking for someone to make me happy, or complete me, or solve my problems or anything like that. I just hate the loneliness! So much. And it’s so much worse now I know that he has someone else in his life. He has a fucking boyfriend and I don’t!!! What the hell kinda cruel world is this?? Sure I get the kids and the house, but I’m funding that all on my own.

As much as I like to believe that everything happens for a reason, and we only get what we can handle and everything will be ok in the end... shit like this makes it hard to keep believing that. This is not something that happens to me!! This is the kinda shit you see in movies. It doesn’t happen to people you know!! So please would someone tell me what’s the point of it all?? What am I being prepared for?! What am I meant to do with all this experience I’m racking up??