When reality is due

I’ve been MIA lately... processing... coming to terms with more bullshit. Just another bunch of lies that made up my former life. At this point, I’m not even sure the person I married used his real name... that’s how much he’s lied and deceived and manipulated me. And it sucks! What’s worse is that I didn’t even find this information out from him. Or even his family (I highly doubt they even know to be honest...)  but when your best friend tells you they can’t keep secrets from you, you know why they’re still part of your life! I guess it’s no longer any of my business what he does or who he does it with. But that doesn’t make it any less of a kick in the guts.

I accepted a little while ago that my happily ever after was just a fairy tale. That no matter what I told myself, it never should have been. It might sound harsh to others, but I need to admit that my relationship wasn’t based on love. It was weakness. I was too afraid to be alone. I didn’t want to be “left on the shelf” I thought if I didn’t marry that guy, I’d be alone forever.... and he knew that all I ever wanted was the family dream - the house, the kids, the dog. I convinced myself I could make it work. Even when we broke up a few times before getting married. Even though I knew he wasn’t entirely honest about some things. I thought I could overlook it and change him.... And I really did learn to love him and us for what we had. I committed to something and I was going to stick with it and make it work. I wasn’t planning on getting what I wanted and taking off. But turns out it was all a lie anyway.

So who duped who?!

Him.

He took advantage of my vulnerability and my insecurity. He was the understanding, comforting, caring boyfriend/husband who looked past all my self doubt and uncertainty. He made me believe that I could be loved.

I know what you’re gonna say - of course you are loved! You deserve love and you have so many people who love you! And I know that. Now I see that every day. The people who truly love me and care about me and respect me how I am. But old Cathee didn’t. She needed validation from others. She couldn’t do things alone. She was too afraid to say “hey I don’t accept this treatment, I deserve better!”

But look at me now! This whole shitty journey has taught me so much about mysel. To back myself. To trust myself. To just BE myself! To love myself. To walk away from things that don’t make me happy (the exception being work, cos you know, bills 😂)

I’d love to wrap this up with some life changing advice or amazing revelation, but sadly we all just need to learn to accept things in our own time.