Do you ever feel like a plastic bag

Strange title right? Strange lyric, or so I thought. Until I looked up the lines that followed. Katy Perry is not in my list of top ten favourite artists, not even my top 20... but this song, these words, they describe my life so perfectly! That feeling of lacking control, of no idea what’s going on or where you’ll end up... but there’s a fire deep inside that won’t go out. And it pushes you on. And the more oxygen you give it, the more fiercely it burns! That’s me. I’m stubborn. I’m determined. I’m fierce. I am the fucking fire! So even though the last few weeks have been getting me down, I know that I will come out the other side and I’ll be ok.

Last week I thought there was actually a light at the end of this long, dark, shitty tunnel... but it turned out to be just another fucking train hurtling towards me! We FINALLY heard back from his lawyers, after 6 weeks... turns out he’s changed lawyers, so maybe these ones will get shit done! I thought finally this will all be over. But no, he had only signed one of the two documents needed, and they both have to be done at the same time... obviously poor instruction from the previous lawyer... so now that’s all had to be sent back to him AGAIN! Anyway, I thought no biggie, just a few signatures and we’re done. Of course the next day I got an email from the bank saying I only have a month left till the loan application runs out.... which means if it’s not all settled by then, I need to reapply. And possibly have my house valued again.... I don’t think being approved again will be a problem, but that’s not really the point.

So I’m still sitting here waiting. Trying not to freak out over things I can’t control. Having minor panic attacks over having to pack my crap and move out if I can’t afford my house anymore. Being so overwhelmed by everything again that I just can’t get started on anything that would be helpful. Bingeing on chocolate and Netflix again. Yelling at my kids for getting into mischief cos I’m too distracted to properly supervise them. Then telling myself I’m a crappy parent.... but a crappy parent wouldn’t have ended up in my situation. I’m in a crappy situation cos I’m a good parent! Go figure...

While I’m not going to get any of my cleaning or cooking done today, I am still going to end the day with our traditional Saturday movie night. And I will pay attention to the movie! Tomorrow is a new day and a new chance to make some progress. Even if that means just finding the coffee table under the toy pile.... a step forward is still better than sitting still!