I think I've reached the time where I'm ready to let it all out. To let go of this horrible reality that I've been living. To share it out to everyone. It's scary. But it needs to be done. For my healing, my processing, my moving on. I've been putting it off for some time for a few reasons. I mean, it's my life and my story so it's not even really anyone else's business unless I choose to make it so. And it's so personal. And confronting! And traumatic. And painful! Shocking, insane, unbelievable, and a whole host of other big words. And worst of all, it's true.
So maybe grab yourself a box of tissues and pillow (to punch or hold onto or cry into) and set yourself up somewhere private, cos you're not gonna take this well.
Some people know all of this already because they are my people! My rocks. My amazing cheer squad that keep me going. Some people know bits of it because they've joined dots as I've become less cautious of what I say and where I am. And some people are completely oblivious to how epically my life fell apart.
So, here we go....
Three years ago, my husband was arrested and sent to prison for 15 months.
Because my then 4 year old told me that "daddy lets me touch his penis"
My sweet baby girl had been a victim of his behaviour since she was only 6 months old!!
The person who was supposed to keep her safe, was abusing her. Using her for his own sick gain. Not just her, but her baby brother too! And he was much younger when it started.
And of course, I had no fucking clue! I thought I had this amazing husband who would stay home with the kids so I could go out for a night with the girls, or get groceries on my own, or go to work so we didn't have to pay as much day care. But no, his reasons were purely selfish and in appropriate.
The days and weeks after that truth bomb exploded my whole life are big giant blurry mess. I had to be interviewed by police and child safety. My baby girl had to be interviewed by police. Alone! They wouldn't let me be with her while they questioned her. I had child safety telling me they were concerned about my involvement because my response of "how do I just give up on my husband" was apparently not the right one.... Well sorry my whole life just got fucked up, I'm a little shocked over here! Trying to take in the fact that you'd been lied to for pretty much your whole relationship, by the person you were meant to trust the most, for the rest of your life, oh and he's also going to jail, NOW, is just a bit much for one afternoon!!
I know I had the crazy thought of just packing us all up (him included) and running! I didn't want this to be true. I didn't want my life to be this mess. I wanted my family together.
Obviously that would have been a pretty dumb idea, given what he'd done. And running from the cops isn't really advisable in any situation. But I was just so incredibly dumbfounded by this whole thing that all logic went out the window.
I am truly grateful for the friends who were there for me on that night and the days that followed. I didn't even ring my mum to tell her, I couldn't. I didn't know how. And I was secretly hoping it was all just a big misunderstanding or some horrific nightmare that I could just forget about. But it wasn't.
Then on top of trying to deal with all that truth for me, I was also dealing with two small humans who had no idea WTF was going on. All they wanted to know was when daddy was coming home. And I had no answer. How do you tell them that he did something so wrong and they'll likely never see him again.... There were many nights where the three of us would just sit on the couch crying. My heart was so broken for my beautiful babies. Everything felt pointless. I was floating in space, with no life line.
There were weeks of no idea what was going on. The police wouldn't tell me anything because it was an open investigation. Child safety had pretty much the same line. I had very little information on the details of what he had actually done, it took me a long time to get to finding that out. I was left cleaning up after a party that I didn't attend. And it was a fucking nightmare.
But somehow, I managed to keep getting up each day and doing "normal" things. I went to work, I did laundry, I bought groceries, I made my kids eat vegetables.... But I knew nothing about my life was normal anymore. I had to make a new normal. I had to keep fighting for those precious little babies (who do have a habit of driving me bat fucking shit crazy) because I love them more than anything on this earth. Giving up just wasn't an option. Believe me it was pretty bloody tempting quite often, but mumma didn't raise no quitter!
Like I've said before, I do believe things happen for a reason, and life never gives you anything you can't handle... but come on? I've done my share! I know that I am such a different person now. I'm so much stronger inside and out. I'm less likely to let things slide - I call shit out when it's wrong, I stand up for myself and my babies. So there has been good to come from this. There's been a lot of bad, but there's been a lot of good things. And I won't let it stop me caring about people and being kind. I'll always find a reason to smile. And I get to make the terrible "dad jokes"
If you've made it to this point, thanks for sticking it out.
This is my story, it's not a hate post. It's just my reality.
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