Don't let the sound of your own wheels drive you crazy

Now the dust has settled on that last little truth bomb, it’s back to dealing with the feels. I know for a lot of people, what you read last time was not a huge surprise. Most of you know me and have known me for quite some time so you had an idea of what was going on. To those people that sent me messages of love and support I thank you from the bottom of my heart. As you can understand this is not an easy thing to talk about. It’s taken me a long time to be able to say it just as fact. Not something that defined my life, not something that I had to hide from, not something I have to be ashamed of... because at the end of the day, I didn’t do anything wrong! There will be people who don’t agree with what I say and how I feel, and that’s ok. I can’t control your thoughts or feelings anymore than you can control mine. Everyone will have an opinion and a theory. What I “should have done” or “how could you not know” but let me tell you this, no one, absolutely NO ONE can make me question those things more than I have already done to myself. If gossiping and speculating about someone else’s hard times makes you feel good, then I’m probably not gonna be able to change that attitude. But the thing I’ve learnt through all of this is that we all process things differently. Of course “if it was me” things would have happened differently, cos we all think we know how we’d deal with something... until we’re actually in that moment.

One of the things that hurt me the most was the guilt. The self blame. The “how could I let this happen” I’m one of those people that takes anything bad in their life as their fault. It’s just how I’ve always been. Someone doesn’t msg me back - they must hate me cos I did something wrong. People are laughing when I walk into a room - obviously because they think I’m a loser. I failed an assignment - I’m too stupid to do anything right. So of course when I found out the life I had was completely false, I questioned why I didn’t realise. The simple answer is - because he made it that way! I was manipulated and played because of my trusting nature. He took advantage of my insecurities so that if I ever did have even a second of doubt about anything, it could all be put back on me. “It’s the depression” “you’re tired” “stop nagging me”

When I was first told “these people do this” I didn’t want to believe it. I was quite defensive actually. They didn’t know him like I did.... ha! Turns out I knew nothing! How could I have been fooled?! How many other people in my life are lying to my face? Am I just a big gullible idiot so desperate for love that I’ll believe anything? Nope, I’m not. I’m a victim in this. I didn’t want to be. But you can be a victim without losing your dignity. I can hold my head up and say I lived through this. I carried my babies through this horrible trauma, and they are doing just fine. I’m doing fine. There were times when I wasn’t. And it’s never going to be all sunshine and rainbows. But my hope is to take something good out of a shitty situation. Not to hide from this. It happened. This is my life now.

I was told that hate is a very strong word, and I respected the teacher who told me that so I made the effort to not use the word so often. I reserve it for truly necessary moments. But even after this, I can’t say that I hate him... I hate what he did and what he’s put us through. But I don’t hate him. I feel disappointment. Resent, anger. But not hate. I don’t even carry the anger with me all the time now. It comes out when it’s called for, but being angry about something I can’t change isn’t going to help me. There are much better things to focus on in life. I have two of the most amazing little people on the planet who need me to show them how to be decent humans. To teach them kindness and compassion. To show them how to pick themselves up and try again. That it’s ok to get things wrong, life doesn’t always go to plan, but you never give up!