If you’re a mum, then you’ve heard “but why?” more times than you can count! Dads probably hear it too, but I’m not a dad... In our house it’s “why do I have to wear clothes?” (Cos society deems it inappropriate to go out naked kiddo, soz I don’t like it any more than you do but rules is rules) “why can’t I have chocolate for breakfast?” (Uh, well cos that’s mummy’s chocolate? And it’s not healthy...) why do we have to brush our teeth, why can’t we stay up late.... all the usual kid why’s right? Then there’s the mummy whys... why aren’t you wearing pants, again?! Why is there water all over the floor? Why did I bother cleaning the house? Why am I shouting... again?!
But I have a whole next level of whys... why is this so hard? Why am I dealing with this shit? Why me?! I can answer the first one - anything that’s worth the effort is hard! My kids and our happiness are worth it! Sometimes I’d rather leave them in a box on someone else’s doorstep, and run away to the Bahamas.... but I know I’d miss them. They drive me bat-fucking-shit-crazy an awful lot, but I think that’s more because I’m so high strung and distracted that it doesn’t take much to piss me off...
As for why I’m dealing with this, well I’m just trying to fix a mess that someone else made. I didn’t fuck it all up, I’m just picking up the pieces. I didn’t wake up one day and decide to destroy my family and my life. That was done TO me. So, I guess I’m dealing with it cos I don’t want it to beat me. I don’t want us to be victims.
Obviously it would have been so much easier to just write myself off, give my kids up, give my life up... and believe me those thoughts have crossed my mind more than once.
But I’m not a quitter.
My sister gave me an little card that says “you were given this life because you’re strong enough to live it” It’s stuck to my mirror so I see it every morning, and I do believe it. Some days it’s just a lot harder than others.
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