I have two settings - OCD or CBF! That's just how I've always been. It's either bust my arse for the best, or don't give a shit. And when you push yourself to do the best you can on something (let's say a school project), and it doesn't turn out great (or get the grade you hoped for), it's disheartening. When that same thing keeps happening - the result you think you deserve isn't the result you get - well you kinda just stop caring... At least if you don't put in any effort then you know why you failed right? It's no great let down cos you couldn't possibly expect a great result without trying! I pretty much cruised through school till about grade 10. Then when I actually had to work HARD to get good grades, I didn't like it....
Luckily I've since learned that the effort and hard work it takes to achieve something actually makes the result mean something. It means something TO ME. It's not about impressing someone else, or being praised or getting the top grade. It's about that internal sense of fulfillment. That "Yay me!" Knowing how much I worked/struggled/sacrificed/stressed to get to that goal. I still love it when other people notice my achievements and tell me I'm amazing (seriously who doesn't?) and yeah I'm gonna instagram the hell out of my guns, cos I love them! I worked for them! I suffered for them! Not so much that I'd give up the TimTams I'm currently eating.... but you get my drift. It's ok to be proud of yourself and to want to share that achievement with others. It's not being arrogant or attention seeking or thinking you're better than someone else, it's acknowledging your own strength. If others see it as anything else then they have the problem!
When I started writing this it was going to be about the CBF side of things... mostly how shit my house looks... constantly....But I'll save that for another time. It's still gonna look just as bad tomorrow!
I'm gonna continue on the gym training strong lady story instead!
Anyone who has known me any great length of time will know that physical activity is not my forte. I don't do sports. I get sunburn way too easily. My fat legs rub together... Any excuse to not move really! But then this really massive truth bomb dropped and it shattered my life into oblivion. Nothing was as it was before, and it could never be repaired. Everything was taken out of my control and I was just floating through the days in a haze. I needed to take control of something in my life. I wanted to be distracted from the million thoughts swirling in my mind on constant replay. If I was going to feel pain, it might as well be physical. And be good for me!
So I found a gym close to my house. They had free creche for the kiddies and they were so friendly and welcoming! I started out doing bootcamps and honestly thought I was going to die on the first day... running, jumping, push ups, struggling to breathe.... but by the end of it I actually wanted to go back! In that short (ok ridiculously long!) hour, something clicked and I thought "I can do this!" and really, what did I have to lose?? That was 2.5 years ago and I'm proud to say I didn't just join a gym, I joined a family! I've made so many amazing, beautiful friends there, and everyone just wants the best for each other. We also do some pretty crazy and fun activities too!
I did lose the motivation a few times. The effort of getting up early and putting on pants, or going out again after work, again having to put on pants... After one of those slumps I tried the group PT sessions. And that's when I really stepped it up. Lifting weights is amazing for your mind! It totally changed my perspective on things. Instead of always thinking "it's too hard" "I can't do that" "what if I fail" I started being more open to trying. More positive towards life. I can now deadlift 100kg and squat 90kg so I just say "hey life, bring it!"
That's not to say things are always easy now.... there's still a lot of CBF moments.... but I know I've got this fire inside me that can't be put out, no matter how hard anyone tries.
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