If you’ve been following along online, or in real life, you’ll know that I have my 2 beautiful kids 100% of the time, on my own. You’ll also know that they are far from perfect little angels! I swear some days they have a competition to see who can piss me off first... I honestly wouldn’t put it past them, Mr 5 wants to be ‘an evil genius’ when he grows up FFS!!! Anyway, being ‘it’ all the time is so draining! Trying to give them a good life without making them ungrateful, spoilt jerks... teaching them manners and patients and boundaries while being sympathetic to the trauma they’ve faced.... it’s hard. And I know it’s hard for them too. Mummy always yelling and making demands....
This weekend I tried to be a fun mum and take them out to the museum for science activities. They had a great time! But as usual, they couldn’t contain themselves and listening went out the window. And when you’re already feeling crappy about yourself and life, then your kids muck around in public and you worry every single person thinks you’re a shit parent... well that really ruins the day. By the end of Sunday I was crying myself to sleep. I just couldn’t deal with it anymore. I didn’t care if I didn’t wake up the next day. I just didn’t want to face the shit any longer.
So when Monday morning rolled around and it’s the same old “I don’t want to go to school” “I don’t know what I want for breakfast” “I can’t find my library book” “GET IN THE DAMN CAR!” I was already done with the day by 8am. Mr 5 sat on the path and refused to walk in, so I had to cart him in under my arm... Trying to leave the waiting area at school and both kids crack the sands and want me to stay. There’s hugging and crying and begging and pleading.... Thankfully one of their teachers came along and took them on a mission with her! (Remind me to buy her wine!)
I made it out the school gates with tears in my eyes, then lost it in the car. I rang work and I said “I’m not coming. My kids are arseholes. I can’t cope with life” And my amazing workplace just went with it. Told me to let them know how I was going later in the day.
I drove home crying. Went upstairs, got out of my work clothes and cried my little heart out. Then I had a 2 hour nap and I felt a little better. Watched some TV. Made some food. Even picked up some of the kids toys! But mostly I was just ‘me’. I wasn’t mum. I wasn’t doing anything for anyone else. I was just doing what I felt like. Later on I talked to my boss (she hates being called that, and I know you’re reading this :p) and I changed my work hours a bit. Starting a little later in the hopes of avoid that morning rush and insanity. Ideally I’d love them to just keep paying me while I stay home on the couch.... but didn’t want to push it.
Later that night I had a looooong chat with one of the most amazing friends I have (she’s very logical and wise and makes me see sense. She’s also more than likely reading this :p) and she made me realise that I’m putting the pressure on myself. I’m expecting myself to be super woman. I’m not giving me a break! My kids are fed and clothed and loved. They go to school every day, they’re super smart (too smart!), they know right from wrong and they are actually pretty amazing little humans.
So I just need to cut myself some slack, pick my battles and breathe! Things don’t always go the way we think they should. Life doesn’t follow our plan. There are always going to be things that we can’t control. But in the end, it’ll be ok. If it’s not ok, it’s not the end.
No comments:
Post a Comment